


It Will Never Last

by Jusbene



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blowjobs, Bottom Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Crests (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Crying, Depression, EXTREME ANGST IN CHAPTER 2, Emetophobia, Felix getting spoiled, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, POV Felix, POV Sylvain, Pet Names, Romeo and Juliet References, Smut and Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Sylvain mega slut, Sylvain spoils Felix rotten, Teasing, Top Sylvain Jose Gautier, War, battles, holy shit guys im actually using these tags, i support men moaning loudly in bed, mention of vomit, my first time posting smut woohoo, no beta we die like Glenn, tea time, two idiots in love, wholesome loving sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:27:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21797608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jusbene/pseuds/Jusbene
Summary: ”I want to do this to you for the rest of our lives…”The more Felix thought about it, the more sense it seemed to make to him. Sylvain wouldn’t just say something like that to Felix during their lovemaking if he didn’t genuinely mean it. He also forgot to say it with that fake-ass smile, so that was even more of a confirmation that his words were true.But this wouldn’t last, echoed the sad words in Felix’s mind. Itcouldn’tlast.Felix and Sylvain both love each other but can they be together forever? Only the Goddess knows.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 18
Kudos: 71





	1. It Will Never Last

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up this morning and had the urge to write this. Not how I really wanted to spend my Saturday but oh well. I had a lot of fun. I hope you have fun reading it. But be warned it gets sadder before it gets better.
> 
> *Edit: Age of Wonders by BrunuhVille has been my primary inspiration while writing this. Please give it a listen. It's a beautiful album.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The track that inspired this chapter is Wolfborn.

Why did they both have feelings for each other? Why were those feelings being made known? Yes, they were in love, yes they were happy, but it was a blessing as well as a curse.

Sylvain José Gautier was to be heir of his house, to be the new Margrave Gautier after his father’s passing, after he found a suitable bride.

Felix Hugo Fraldarius wasn’t exactly given an agenda, since his father was so shattered by the loss of his first born. Although Rodrigue was turning down all the marriage proposals from high born ladies being sent to his son, Felix knew his father would lose all manner of respect for him if he chose not to marry at all.

And yet they continued on. They would wait until the streets of Garreg Mach were deathly silent, until all the monks, priests and soldiers were back in their quarters, snuggled in their warm beds. Felix would tiptoe down the dormitory hall to Sylvain’s door and knock very quietly. Sometimes he wouldn’t have to. Sometimes Sylvain could hear him coming, and he’d open his door, pulling him inside. Tonight was one of those times.

It was amazing how the two—primarily Felix—would be able to carry on about their days around the Monastery, cross paths with each other and never make much of a hint that anything had changed between them since they were little. Felix had figured out how to talk to Sylvain like the cheeky little slut he had always been, gallivanting around flirting with anyone standing on 2 legs for the entirety of their studies. If he thought back to those days, when Sylvain belonged to anyone and everyone, it was easier to control his emotions, his desires. Sylvain had stopped giving him flirty winks and gestures in public and that seemed to help as well. When they were alone, it was like the difference between night and day.

“How did you hear me coming? What are you, an animal?” Felix hissed at his lover once the door was closed tightly.

“Hey, I thought it was important to have good ears. You gotta be ready for the enemy.” Sylvain snickered back, his voice already having that smooth seductive undertone.

“Well I just hope no one else heard…” Felix grumbled back under his breath. He looked down, feeling his cheeks getting hot. It didn’t take much to make him blush now that he was able to let loose.

“I doubt it, babe, it’s almost midnight,” the redhead assured him and walked up so that they were inches apart, before feathering his lips across his jawline and along his cheek.

“Ah--,” was Felix’s automatic response. 

And Sylvain knew it very well. He knew just where to touch him, just what amount of pressure to apply and at what speed for him to melt.

“ _Syl…_ ” Felix murmured softly, as his partner continued to kiss down his neck while one hand moved gently down his stomach, teasingly avoiding his groin to lightly squeeze his inner thigh.

“I know you’ve wanted me all day,” Sylvain whispered huskily into the man’s ear, brushing his teeth delicately against his lobe. “I can see how hard you’re trying not to show it…” His voice vibrating against Felix’s neck made him feel a shiver course through his whole body. The tiny hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stood up and his legs began to wobble in anticipation.

Sylvain noticed immediately and let out a soft chuckle, lifting his head back so he could gaze into the other’s dilated eyes for just a moment. 

“You should lie down if you can’t stand, darling.”

It was true though. Felix had wanted Sylvain all day long and it just made him furious that Sylvain could see right through him no matter what he did. No one else seemed to bat an eye around the monastery. Maybe Sylvain knew Felix so well at this point that he could see the hints in subtleties that no one else could pick up on.

Felix was a prisoner to Sylvain’s voice, the adoring look in his eyes, the gentle touch of his hands on every inch of his needy body. He would just have to accept that the redhead would always know exactly what he wanted.

He averted his eyes from the enchanting gaze of his lover, feeling his legs begin to slowly fail him. His cock threatened to tear through his pants. He hated feeling so vulnerable.

Sylvain did something at that moment that he didn’t expect. Lifting him up gently under his arms, he brought Felix down so that his thigh highs stood perfectly on top of his steel toed boots. He then proceeded to walk slowly towards the bed, his arm securing the small of Felix’s back to keep him from falling backward. The navy haired man grew flustered at the sappy gesture and grumbled under his breath as Sylvain laughed softly.

“W-what are we, children?”

“I thought you’d like to do this again.”

“Not now, not like this…”

“Aw, come on. I know you like it.”

Sylvain gently leaned over the bed and let Felix fall softly on his back into the mattress. He then lifted up his legs and pulled them aside so that he lay vertically, before climbing into the sheets on top of him.

“Comfortable, love?”

“My...my pants are still..”

“Here, let me help you…”

“No…”

Sylvain proceeded anyway. He knew the type of “no” Felix used wasn’t sincere. It was practically him saying the opposite of what he truly meant. The redhead slid his hands softly down his lover’s stomach and against his inner thighs as he leaned in, brushing his teeth against the buckle on Felix’s pants.

“ _Fuck_...just...take them off.”

Sylvain chuckled softly at how he begged. He loved teasing Felix. It was one of his favourite things to do in the bedroom. Just to hear his soft mumbling, his angry growling at the way he prolonged every act, how he touched a little too softly, stroked a little too slowly. He could make Felix whine effortlessly.

He unbuckled the belt with both hands, glancing up to make sure Felix was watching him. Then he leaned in, his eyes still locked on Felix’s, as he bit into the seam of his teal pants and tugged them down slowly.

“You’re a little mutt, aren’t you?” Felix muttered. It caught Sylvain by surprise to hear Felix talk like this. It didn’t happen often. He let go of Felix’s waistband to answer him, saliva trailing from the fabric to his lips.

“Only for you, _kitten_.”

“Fuck!”

It was a constant battle of one upmanship, on the battlefield, in the training grounds, in tournaments, during their studies, and now even in the bedroom. Sylvain always always _always_ had a sexy pet name just waiting to be uttered, to drive Felix mad.

He threw his head back, shivering at how weak that word was making him. He heard Sylvain laugh softly below him.

“Felix, watch me.”

The navy haired man reluctantly looked down at him, his face flushing a bright pink as he watched Sylvain tug down his tight pants with his gorgeous set of teeth. The redhead’s eyes were locked on his in a hypnotic stare, a stare that threatened to pierce right through him. Felix always felt so suffocatingly hot when those eyes seemed to undress him, to long for him like a delicious meal. It scared Felix how much he adored that stare. He wanted to stay trapped in his gaze forever. He wished time could stand still.

But it never could.

Once Felix’s pants were tugged down enough for his cock to spring free, Sylvain began to pepper kisses along the shaft as he massaged his inner thighs with both hands. 

“Aaaah-- Syl….!” Felix moaned and rolled his hips against his lovers expert hands and mouth. “Syl….Ah!”

Sylvain watched him adoringly, relishing at how Felix came undone with only a few moments of touching. He saw how Felix squirmed, how his beautiful eyes rolled back and fluttered closed, his cute little mouth open gently, his tongue flicking at his teeth as he let out choked gasps and moans.

Sylvain had been Felix’s first, and he regrets to this day that Felix wasn’t his. Never until they started doing this had Sylvain been with someone so _enraptured_ by his touch. Had he known that Felix wanted him for so long, for so many years, he would have taken him as his lover as soon as they enrolled in Garreg Mach. Goddess knows he had felt something much the same, though he may had done such a good job of suppressing it thanks to the pressures from his father that he may have forgotten altogether. Even still, he thanked the goddess every night for bringing him and Felix together. For allowing them to have requited love. He wanted this to last for their entire lives.

“Syl… _vaaaaaaiiiin_!”

By this point, he had taken Felix’s cock in his mouth, all the way to the base. The swordsman’s hands were frantically fumbling around his forehead, grabbing at his crimson locks of hair and tugging desperately. Sylvain let out a soft groan at the gesture, sending vibrations through Felix’s groin.

“AH...GODDESS...FUCK….AH-- _Aaaaaah_!”

Dammit, why couldn’t Felix hold still? He was squirming too much for Sylvain to keep up. Popping is mouth off the swordsman’s cock, he laughed softly, shifting his weight so he could press his elbows down on his lover’s writhing hips.

“You’re so fucking cute…hold still.”

Felix whined at the absence of Sylvain’s warm mouth and fought against the weight of the redhead’s forearms, squirming more than before. He forced his eyes open and glared down at him.

“Please, Syl! _Pleeeeeaaase_!”

“How could I make you wait when you ask so nicely?” Sylvain cooed, immediately granting Felix’s request, sliding his cock back down his throat.

“Aah--!” 

Felix couldn’t help but arch his back at the returning sensation. Shivering from the immense pleasure of Sylvain’s warm mouth surrounding the most sensitive part of his body, he began to feel numb. His head started to get fuzzy, his heart pounding madly in his chest, his pulse moving through him, throbbing in his temples.

“Syl….Ah! Aaaah! Aaah! I’m… _close_!”

“Mmmm…” Sylvain hummed in approval, again, sending an amazing vibration through Felix that finally forced him to cave.

“Syl… _Sylvaaaaaaaaiiin_!!”

Felix’s hips shook involuntarily as he came hard, emptying into his lover’s mouth. Sylvain pulled back just enough so that he didn’t choke on Felix’s seed and swallowed. He stroked his cock through his orgasm and pulled his mouth away, licking the tip clean as he eyed Felix the entire time. The look on the swordsman’s face was delicious. The most beautiful look he had ever seen. He was staring right back at him, through half-lidded eyes, cheeks flushed a beautiful shade of pink, his mouth open, panting softly. A bead of sweat was dripping down from his brow and Sylvain’s eyes followed it, entranced, as he climbed back up on all fours and crawled forward, leaning into Felix’s awestruck face.

“I wanna make you feel this good every night. If I get to look at that face… I want to do this to you for the rest of our lives…”

“The...rest of our lives?”

“That’s right, Fe.”

 _Hmm, that’s odd. That almost sounds like a wedding proposal._ Felix did his best to shrug it off. After all he was still coming down from his high. 

Sylvain smiled at him warmly as he reached for his bedside, grabbing a clear vial and unscrewing the cap with his hands. He poured a generous amount of the contents into his left palm and spread it along the fingers on his right hand.

Felix stared mesmerized as the liquid glistened on Sylvain’s fingers. Once the redhead caught his gaze, he smirked slyly and started curling and rolling his fingers seductively.

“Thinking about how these will feel inside you?” he whispered.

Felix simply groaned at his words, squirming again as if he didn’t just orgasm. Even though it was Sylvain’s turn to get off, he still felt the need to tease Felix like crazy.

“Thought so”, he added, clearly taking his squirms as a yes.

He reached his left hand to hold onto Felix’s right thigh and lifted him gently to give him an angle to work with. Locking eyes with him once again, he slowly brought his right hand up to his hole and circled his index finger around it delicately.

Felix let out a soft sound and clenched his eyes shut nervously, shivering at the contact. The liquid was cold on Sylvain’s finger and the thought of how it would feel inside him made his heart pound.

Sylvain chuckled softly at the reaction he was eliciting from his lover and gave him an inquisitive smirk, as if to say, “may I?” At this point, Felix had opened his eyes again and looked up at Sylvain, confused at the hesitation.

“Fucking hurry….” Felix hissed immediately, arching his back to press his ass against Sylvain’s finger.

“Ah ah ah~!” Sylvain argued, waving that same finger at him as if he was scolding a small child. “You need to ask _nicely_.”

“Fuck you,” Felix groaned. “You’re such a fucking dick.”

“I know, I know.” Sylvain’s voice was sweet velvetly soft, as if he wasn’t being a fucking dick.

And yet Felix felt like he still had to obey.

“Please… just do it, Syl.”

“As you wish...my _kitten_ ,” the redhead cooed, letting that last word just drawl out tortuously slow, timed perfectly with his finger sliding inside Felix’s body.

“Aah--!” he cried, throwing his head back again. Sylvain’s finger was so _cold_ , he couldn’t help but shiver at the contact.

__

Sylvain began to pump his finger, gradually delving deeper and deeper until his hole became slick and wet.

“Shall I add another?” he asked Felix, curling his finger to rub him on an angle.

“ _Fuck_! Yes!”

Sylvain fulfilled his request without hesitation once again, sliding a second finger inside to join the first. He began moving in circles and parting them to stretch his hole wider.

“Hnnnnngh,” Felix moaned, biting his lip and clenching his eyes closed again. The sounds Sylvain’s fingers were making in his hole were just so lewd and gross to his ears. He still couldn’t figure out why Sylvain enjoyed doing this. Was it because he had just been a filthy slut for so long? He must have had a high tolerance for this type of stuff...

“I think you’re just about ready for me,” the redhead announced, as he slid in a third finger without warning. Felix’s eyes shot open in shock.

“Ahh-- wait....” he choked, bucking his hips.

“What’s the matter, love? I thought you were used to this by now.”

He was right. They had only had sex in Sylvain’s room at least a dozen times by now. Sylvain always went up to three, yet Felix was always caught by surprise. Maybe that was a good thing.

“N...nothing… Just do it.”

Sylvain smiled down at him and began to move three fingers inside Felix at a slightly faster pace. Locking eyes with him again, he eased his way to that spot that drove Felix insane. When he found it, he pushed against it over and over, watching Felix’s face contort into all manner of intoxicated bliss. He watched him break eye contact, his eyes flutter closed once again, panting the first syllable of his name over and over. His hands gripped at the bed sheets, clutching tightly as if his life depended on it.

“Okay, I can barely stand watching you like this any longer, Fe,” Sylvain growled, sliding his fingers out of Felix’s hole. “I’m taking you now.”

He pulled down his night trousers and hastily grabbed for the vial once again, pouring some more into his hand. He quickly stroked his cock with the substance, wincing at how sensitive he had become from spoiling Felix for so long.

“I hope you’re ready, love, because I’m past ready,” he breathed as he pulled on Felix’s legs to position him. Felix instinctively wrapped his legs around Sylvain’s back, bringing them closer in anticipation.

“Do it,” Felix whined.

The redhead entered him slowly, all the way to the base. Felix cried out, clenching his eyes closed. Sylvain thought he saw tears.

“ _Aaaaah_! Syl--!”

“Are you okay, babe?” Sylvain asked him worriedly, not daring to move another inch until Felix answered.

“Yes! I’m... _fiiiiiiine_! Moo _oooove_!”

Sylvain let out a nervous laugh at his lover’s demands and proceeded to pump in and out of Felix’s hole. _Goddess, he felt so good clenched around him_ …. Now it was his turn to start moaning along with him.

“Ah… _Feeeeelix_...fuck--!”

He kept his eyes locked on the man below him, waiting for him to open his eyes again. It was always the most precious moment to Sylvain.

And just as he had hoped, Felix half opened his eyes. He gazed deep into Sylvain’s as if they were having a staring contest. His brows were furrowed not in anger but in ecstatic concentration. His beautiful cheeks were flushed as ever. His stray bangs sticking to his forehead now slick with sweat. His mouth was still half open, still moaning his name in broken first and second syllables, the second always being deliciously drawn out.

Sylvain nearly came just from the spectacle, but he was just about driven to the edge when Felix shakily reached out his arms and wrapped them around Sylvain’s neck, pulling himself off the bed so he can be even closer to him. He still stared with half-lidded eyes, his beautiful lashes fluttering, trying so hard to stay open, to stare at Sylvain. If the redhead had the option to choose the last thing he would see before he died, he prayed to the goddess it would be this very moment, when his Felix was the most beautiful.

“I...I love you, Syl…” he whimpered, his breath tickling Sylvain’s neck.

That was all it took. Sylvain felt his orgasm shake through his whole body as he came inside Felix, gasping and sputtering, his forearms shaking to keep himself upright, while his lover held him tightly.

“I….I love you too, Fe…. I love you…”

The redhead slumped down on top of his lover, gasping for breath. After a few moments, he lifted himself off and out of him, clumsily shifting to lie on the small space left on the bed. He pulled the sheets up so that they wouldn’t catch a cold and Felix rolled over on his side to wrap his arms around him again.

Sylvain kissed him gently on the lips before leaning towards the bedside to blow out the candle and snuggled up next to Felix as they drifted off to sleep.

\-------------

Actually, as _Sylvain_ drifted off to sleep. Felix was still awake an hour later, unable to toss and turn being in such a small bed. 

_”I want to do this to you for the rest of our lives…”_

The more Felix thought about it, the more sense it seemed to make to him. Sylvain wouldn’t just say something like that to Felix during their lovemaking if he didn’t genuinely mean it. He also forgot to say it with that fake-ass smile, so that was even more of a confirmation that his words were true.

 _But this wouldn’t last_ , echoed the sad words in Felix’s mind. It _couldn’t_ last. The only reason they were able to do this now was because they were here to fight a war with their old professor and the boar prince. Had they not decided to meet at that place after 5 years and reunite with their long lost friends, Felix would simply be fighting the war in his lands, taking up arms against Empire forces that threatened to take away his home. And Sylvain would have been doing the same in his lands. They wouldn’t have had time to even ask the question whether their feelings were mutual.

Once they took over Enbarr and defeated Edelgard, their forces would probably all go back to their own personal duties, their own lands.

That is, if they even won the war. If one of them or both of them didn’t die in battle.  
A wave of terror came over Felix and he started to feel nauseous.

_Fuck, don’t think about this right now._

He couldn't help it.

He quickly blinked away the tears that started to form in his eyes and fought back the urge to cry. He didn't want to wake up Sylvain. His partner looked so peaceful sleeping next to him. He’d hate to wake him up with his depressing shit.

He also hated to continue lying next to him, unable to stop thinking about the perils of the future, the unknowing of what could happen, how quickly either or both of them could be snuffed out from the world.

And if it wasn’t the war, it would be their relationship altogether. Sylvain still had a duty to fulfill, whether he liked to admit it or not. He would have to use that fake smile of his to woo a pretty maiden so that he could mingle his crest bearing seed with her baby-making hips.

With a child in his arms and wife to cherish, how would he have the time to spend with Felix? How much of a monster would the swordsman have to turn the redhead into, making him an unfaithful husband, a neglective father, just to run off and satisfy his selfish urges to be with his best friend?

Felix had always hated how his own father was never there for him when he needed and he promised himself that he wouldn’t make the same mistakes as him. So to do that indirectly with Sylvain’s future son or daughter? He would never forgive himself.

No, it made the most sense for Felix to be mostly out of Sylvain’s life after the war. Sure, they were childhood friends and they would be best friends forever, but they could not continue on being lovers, as much as it broke Felix’s heart to contemplate. He may end up visiting him every 5 years or so, to see how he’s grown and aged. To watch his children grow up to be young lords and ladies.

Felix hated the thought though… He absolutely _loathed_ the thought.

He’d rather not visit Sylvain at all.

It would be far too painful for his already cracked and flaking heart.

For all Felix knew, he’d be living alone in a small cabin, isolating himself from the world. He most likely would never marry. He couldn’t force himself to show a woman affection. It wouldn’t be fair and it wouldn’t be right. And that was probably the easiest way to not follow in his father’s footsteps.

 _This will probably be the last time we sleep together_ , Felix decided silently to himself, as he stared sadly up at the ceiling. The longer they continued doing this the harder it would be to let go, and he knew it. 

\-------------

Felix waited until Sylvain was in a deep enough sleep before grabbing his pants and shirt and heading back to his own room. Goddess knows three hours of laying awake didn’t bode well. When he was finally alone in his small rectangular space, he threw his clothes back onto his floor and sat on the edge of his bed, still naked aside from his thigh high boots.

It must have been 4AM at this point, but Felix dared not look at the clock on his bedside table. He heard the light ticking of the small gears. He thought about how they had ticked infinitely, with no end in sight. The clock had been ticking the entire time Felix was fighting the war, eating in the dining hall, training his sword arm, drinking tea with Professor Byleth, learning from his peers, making love to Sylvain. Even though he only came here to sleep, most of the time he’d never even hear it tick then. Somehow, it was easy to hear every sound in this room when he was sitting so motionless, spacing out at the carpet on his floor, his mind racing.

It was most likely the pain in knowing he would never share Sylvain’s bed again that made it so hard for him to sleep on this particular moon. Coming back to his own bed left him so conflicted. His bed was much colder than Sylvain’s. His body hadn’t lay in it for at least 20 hours. And there was no sound of Sylvain’s soft breathing to make him feel at ease. He wanted to get up and go back in there. He wanted to lie back down in Sylvain’s warm bed, with the musky smell of sex still lingering in the air, to remind him it wasn’t a dream. He wanted time to stand still.

_But it wouldn’t. The moment would never last. So what’s the point?_

He couldn't go back. He wouldn’t. He’d just stay here.


	2. Drunken Words Are Sober Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No...Felix, no…Goddess, this is a nightmare…” Sylvain moaned as he took deep breaths to calm himself down. He had to keep the food down. He had to. Tears blurred his vision. _Yes, just let me cry instead_ , he thought.
> 
> “You knew our love was temporary, and yet you kept asking me to come to your room. Nearly every night now, for the last 3 weeks. You knew I always would if you asked. You knew I couldn’t resist. Every time became more automatic, like second nature.”
> 
> “Stop…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I don't know what came over me but I was itching to write this chapter and it became WAAAYYY angstier than I originally intended. Brace yourselves, guys. READ AT THY OWN RISK!!!! 💔💔💔💔
> 
> And remember: IT'S ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING!!!! 😭
> 
> Please drink responsibly...🍺
> 
> The tracks that inspired this chapter are Wolfborn and The Riverlands

Within three days, Sylvain knew something was up. He still waited an additional four days before taking action though because he was an optimist, which usually translates to idiot.

Felix seemed to be spending a lot more time training than he usually did. Sylvain had spotted him one of those days practically dragging himself away to his dorm like a rag doll, as if he had swung his arms around to their limit.

If he wasn’t heading back to his dorm after training, he’d be heading back there from the library, from the dining hall, from the back alley after doing his business. He was rarely seen loitering anywhere, always moving swiftly in a steady march, the universal body language that screamed _don’t fucking talk to me, I’m busy._

Sylvain hoped Felix was busy. He truly did, but this lingering thought in his mind grew stronger with each passing day until it had been a week since their last night together; until he couldn’t hide the thought anymore.

Felix was avoiding him.

He wracked his mind for an explanation. He hated the idea of confronting him if this wasn’t the case. Thinking back though to their last night together, it had to be. What if he had hurt him, and Felix didn’t know how to tell him? Oh goddess no… The thought of hurting Felix during sex was just heartbeaking. He had hurt girls before and they were so easy to read, they’d just start crying blubbery tears and punch him like crazy, throwing his clothes at his face so the fabric whipped at his skin, calling him a “fucking slutty asshole”, “piece o’ shit”, “dickhead” among other things. He rarely felt bad, never really caring much for any of them in the first place. Half of them hadn’t even known his name, or maybe they had but they’d chosen to close their eyes and moan the name of someone they wish he could be instead.

Felix hadn’t even stayed the whole night in his bed last week.

He remembers how he had woken up and seen the space on his bed nearest the wall, with the covers scrunched up, evidence that Felix had climbed over Sylvain as to avoid waking him and snuck out in the night.

It had made him so incredibly sad to see that. He had thought Felix wanted to stay with him until the morning. After all, he had began staying the night every night once they had sex about three times. He hadn’t missed a night until this time.

Felix had seemed so happy that night in his arms, cradling him and holding him tight, gazing deep into his eyes as if he was staring through the looking glass.

It was so hard for Sylvain to wait this final night to see if Felix would knock on his door. He hated waiting. Especially for Felix.

Midnight came, but Felix didn’t.

Sylvain contemplated getting up and going to knock on Felix’s door. But then what if he was asleep? The last thing he wanted to do was wake him up. He definitely needed a lot more rest from all that extra training.

But then… maybe Felix was expecting him to come by? Maybe he wanted to be confronted at night when everyone was asleep but didn’t have the courage to do it himself?

What if he had hoped Sylvain would come see him all week and was getting sadder and angrier with each passing day? What if he thought Sylvain was avoiding him? Oh goddess no!

Sylvain leapt from his bed, and jogged over to his door. He had finally made up his dumb mind.

Creeping into the hall wearing nothing but his night trousers, Sylvain looked around to make sure no one was stirring on the second floor. He still didn’t hear Dimitri snoring in his dorm, thank the goddess. The prince hadn’t slept in that bed the last several months after they had reunited. No one really had a clue where that guy went to get some shut eye. He had most likely gotten so used to sleeping in the dirt these last five years that he was out there right now.

Since his dorm was between Felix and Sylvain’s he would have been the one person to be able to hear the two of them in Sylvain’s room. Sylvain still thanked the goddess his dorm was at the very end of the hall with only one next door neighbour to worry about.

Felix’s dorm was another story. If they ended up making up tonight, he had to find a way to convince Felix to come back to his room so no one else would discover their scandalous relationship. 

Sylvain reached Felix’s door and stared at the knob for a very long time. He breathed as quietly as possible, utterly petrified now that he had made such an impulsive decision to come to this spot. It was 12:30AM now. Yes, he had twiddled his thumbs for an entire half hour, like a dumbass. Felix absolutely had to be asleep by now. Sylvain was too late.

The knob suddenly turned, making Sylvain jump.

Or not?

“How long are you going to stand there? What’s the matter with you?” Felix grumbled. He looked at Sylvain with a very irritated expression, the way he used to when he was declining every offer Sylvain used to make that they go to a bar and pick up a couple of pretty maidens.  
He was wearing his pajamas, the only clothes Felix ever wore that didn’t cling and accentuate every curve of his body. For once, his clothes were baggy and loose, his long sleeves hanging past his knuckles, with only his fingertips poking out the ends.He looked like a little kid that was given a hand me down from their older sibling that was too big for him, despite Glenn never dressing like this. It made Sylvain smile a bit.

“I jus’.... couldn’t decide whether I wanted t’wake you,” he replied, running his hands through his hair nervously. “‘Ss... very late. Didn’t think you’d still be up.”

“I can’t sleep,” Felix mumbled back, looking down sadly at the floor.

Sylvain decided to cut to the chase.

“Have you been ‘voidin’ me, Fe?”

Felix looked up at him again, but his expression was drastically different now. The look in his eyes was sorrowful, as if in mourning. It was the look that covered his face for months after Glenn had died. Sylvain hated that look. It made him feel sick.

“Yes,” Felix answered, barely a whisper. “I’m sorry… if I worried you. It’s not your fault.”

Well that was a relief. A slight relief. 

“If s’not me then why? Are you… not enjoyin’ this anymore?”

Felix’s eyes widened at the sudden breach of privacy Sylvain had exposed them to. He nervously reached out and grabbed Sylvain’s arm, pulling him into his room and closing the door quietly. 

“Shhh! Idiot, of course I’m still enjoying this…”

“Then why? Why won’t you even _talk_ t’me?”

Felix closed his eyes and furrowed his brows in concentration. Sylvain’s heart sank low into his gut. He knew Felix so well. His lover was about to drop a bomb on him. He inhaled slowly, bracing himself for the inevitable impact.

“I think we should stop this,” Felix whispered, cringing as he said it, as if the words wounded even him to say.

“What?” Sylvain asked, his heart pounding loudly, pulsing through his head.

“We need to stop sleeping with each other...we need to stop having sex,” Felix elaborated, his lip beginning to quiver, as if he might start to cry. 

_We need to stop having sex._

Sylvain’s ears started to ring, his chest growing tight. His heart pounded so loudly it was all he heard besides the echoing of Felix’s words.

“ ** _What the FUCK, Felix?_** ” Sylvain snapped. He was suddenly so angry. Shocked, confused and angry.

The change in his volume startled Felix, who looked up at him worriedly, his eyes going wide like a puppy’s. 

“Hey, calm down, not so loud, everyone’s slee-”

“ ** _I thought we LOVED each other!_** ” he yelled back, cutting him off. “ ** _I thought you loved me, Fe!”_**

Felix’s face contorted into a look of horror at the redhead’s reaction, his lips still quivering.

“Syl...I do love you...I always have… longer than you…”

“ ** _Fuck YOU!_** ” Sylvain shouted back again, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. “ ** _You’re so full o’ SHIT! You’re just afraid o’ commitment, arenyou?! You jus’ can’t be w’someone and simply be HAPPY! You jus’ wanna be ‘his depressing broodin’ prick for the rest o’ your life?! HUH?!”_**

Felix’s face grew pale at the insensitive use of words and he stared silently at Sylvain, feeling the tears finally drift down his cheeks. He swallowed and took a deep breath before speaking.

“Sylvain…?”

“ ** _What?!_** ”

“I want you to leave.”

“ ** _NO! You tell me wh’the FUCK…. is going ON!_** ”

“You’re drunk…”

“ ** _Am NOT!_** ”

“I can smell the ale, you idiot. You’re slurring your words and you’re spitting all over my rug… Now get out.”

Oh, that’s right. Sylvain was so worried about Felix that he had drank a little too much tonight. Even though it had been a few hours, the alcohol was still very much flowing through his blood stream. And all this yelling was making him more and more lightheaded. He couldn’t stop.

“ ** _So what?! I was WORRIED about you!_** ”

“Well now you sound hostile. We’ll talk when you’re sober.”

“ ** _No! We will talk…. NOW! You DICK! How DARE you s’ggest this! I’dnt DO anything! YOU’RE the one who had to fuckin’ LEAVE!_** ”

“Sylvain, I swear to the goddess....”

Swear what? Sylvain wasn’t sure.

That was all Felix could utter before he started to sob.

Fuck.

Sylvain was such an asshole when he was drunk. All the anger flowed out of him instantly like steam from a kettle.

“Felix…’m... s’rry…”

“Get out. Please.”

So he did.

Sylvain was quick about it. He hated seeing Felix cry almost as much as making Felix cry. But now what? The swordsman didn’t even want to fuck him anymore. For whatever reason, their relationship was practically over against his will.

Why didn’t Felix want to sleep with him? What was he so afraid of?

\------

Sylvain woke up with a splitting headache when the sun was high in the sky. He didn’t think he could possibly sleep the night after such a horrible confrontation, but perhaps that was the one good thing about being drunk.

He was lying diagonally across his bed face down, with his legs hanging off the right side. He had really just walked into his bed and passed out cold, didn’t he? Sylvain chuckled lightly, picturing his clumsy miserable ass going through the motions.

He didn’t deserve Felix. 

It’s no wonder he didn’t want to sleep with him anymore. 

Who the fuck would want to stay with such a loser like him?

Sylvain sighed sadly, casually picking at some loose threads in his comforter. Would Felix even speak to him today?

His stomach growled loudly. Well, first thing’s first, he needed some food in his belly. He needed something to get rid of his hangover.

Sylvain pushed himself up and groaned as his head throbbed painfully. He slowly, steadily shuffled off his bed and carefully shifted his weight to his feet, waiting a few moments before straightening himself to a neutral stance. His head still throbbed at the movement, but it would have been worse if he had been quick about it. Damn… how much had he actually drank?

Sylvain couldn’t even remember.

Perhaps that was the most pathetic part of the entire thing. He had argued to Felix that he hadn’t been drinking, then proceeded to yell in his face like he only did when he had been drinking.

This was the very first time Sylvain had ever yelled at Felix in a drunken stupor, until now it was always some other unfortunate person.

He couldn’t even remember what he had said.

Yikes.

Sylvain put on his emerald tunic and his favourite burgundy pants, tied up his steel toed boots and brushed his fingers through his unruly hair. Walking out of his dorm and into the hallway, he glanced around and listened. The second floor was dead silent, with Sylvain being the only occupant. It must have been noon by the way the sun rays stung at his eyes as they pierced through the window pane. He had already missed breakfast and most likely was about to miss lunch. He had better hurry before all that was left were scraps only fit for the hogs.

The redhead made his way outside into the courtyard, taking a deep breath of the fresh April air. He had been inhaling the fibres of his blankets the entire night so the change in air quality was remarkable.

He recognized some familiar faces. Annette was working in the greenhouse, digging some dirt to plant some new seeds. Dorothea was staring out into the fishing pond in an almost reminiscent way. He spotted Ashe jogging along the cobblestone path, calling out to a monk far off in the distance. Seeing no sign of Felix, he let out a sigh and walked into the dining hall. 

Glancing around at the activity, Sylvain did his best to judge the approximate time it had to be. The room was still full of chatter. There were some folks seated at the table in the far corner, three dinner plates speckled with crumbs and half empty glasses of wine. A few other soldiers were spread out at some of the other tables alone or in pairs. Some were still eating a plateful of food. A woman in the kitchen staff was wiping down the table closest to where he stood in the doorway with a large handkerchief. He peered over at the food counter. There were still some portions to choose from but it seemed to be the last half hour of serving time. He had just enough time to spare. Relieved, the redhead walked over to grab a bowl and asked the head chef for a nice portion of stew. It was at the bottom of the pot, the most flavourful part. He was one lucky man.

Sitting down at a table that hadn’t been cleaned off yet—just to save the kitchen staff some work—he ate his stew slowly, savouring every spoonful. Food tasted so unbelievably delicious during a hangover. He had eaten a small dinner the night before and was practically starving. That would explain why the alcohol went so quickly to his head.

Recollecting the events of that night yet again, Sylvain struggled to remember what had come pouring out of his mouth as Felix had stood in front of him in that cute oversized nightshirt. He could recall the moment Felix said those agonizing words, we need to stop having sex, and how he voiced his disbelief at the matter. He could picture the shock on his lover’s face, how his eyes widened enough for him to see the white around his irises, how his skin had turned pale like he had just witnessed a beheading of someone he held dear. Aside from that, Sylvain could not remember the words he had said to cause Felix to wear such a heartbreaking expression.

The thought terrified him.

The creaking sound of chair legs dragging across the tile floor brought Sylvain back to reality. He realized he had gotten so lost in his thoughts that he had stopped sipping at the stew. Steam was no longer coming off of it, even when he went to stir. It had gotten cold. Disappointed, the redhead ate the last several mouthfuls of meat, potatoes and carrots before tipping the bowl and slurping up the broth. He put the bowl back on the table and let out a long sigh, his eyes scanning the room one last time to see what had changed. At this point, he was the last one seated, the only person left eating. The same woman who had been wiping down the table at the entrance seemed to be pacing back and forth, trying not to look impatient. Sylvain realized he had better leave and let the staff clean up and prepare for the dinner hour.

Sliding his chair back and stumbling to his feet, Sylvain grabbed his bowl and took it to the food counter. He placed it in front of the chefs and apologized for keeping them before awkwardly jogging out of the hall and into the gardens.

He stopped where the cobblestone walkway intersected and stared down at his feet. His only plan up until this point was to eat. Now he wasn’t sure what to do with himself unless he made up with Felix. Clearing the air was top priority but he still had to find out where the swordsman was and what the hell he had actually said to make him cry.

And then he had to figure out what he was supposed to say to make it all better.

Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. Maybe Sylvain had blown this thing out of proportion. Felix could have meant anything by not having sex anymore. Maybe he was distracted when he was trying to train. He was rather adorable and shaky when the topic of sex was brought up in daytime. Back when Sylvain used to tease him about it, he could completely break Felix’s focus, ruin his train of thought, even if he was in the middle of reading, swinging a training sword or counting gold coins. Maybe he wanted to put their intimacy on hold until the war was over. That way when they were done fighting, they could get back to their lives. Sylvain could go back to his lands, Felix could return to his and they could visit each other while he got more and more letters from…

Dumbass.

It finally hit him.

He knew exactly why Felix was doing this. 

His lover had no intention of putting this on hold. He wanted to end it entirely, because there was no place for their sex life in the future that demanded Sylvain make use of his stupid major crest. Why had that thought not crossed his mind until this moment?

He wanted to scream. There had to be something... Something to make it all work out with the two of them. He wanted to be there for Felix. Always.

\--------

Felix was exactly where Sylvain thought he’d be at this time of the day: in the training grounds. He opened the doors, peeked inside, and there he was, slugging away at a straw dummy with a blunt iron sword. 

Sylvain walked in the room slowly, glancing around and seeing very quickly that the two were now alone, and out of instinct, reached behind his back to bolt the doors locked. Maybe he was afraid this would get out of hand again, that they would start arguing, and create tension among their ranks. Maybe it was because the mere sight of the swordsman in deep concentration—with movements like a true mortal savant, swift and lethal—sent such a powerful wave through his entire core and turned him on immediately. Sylvain had only looked at Felix for a few moments and he was already hard. Thankfully, he wasn’t yet wearing his armor on top of the rest of his clothing and his cock wasn’t completely suffocated in his pants, but it was still painful.

This was hardly the time to be getting aroused! Felix was still mad at him! They still had to talk this out! What was he thinking?

Sylvain cringed to himself as he tried to clear his thoughts and focus on the task at hand. Felix didn’t need to know he was already horny. He had to do his very best to hide the fact before he turned around to face him.

Oh wait, he already had.

“Are you serious?”

The deep rough voice that was always music to the redhead’s ears made him nearly jump out of his skin.

“W--...h-hey...Felix…”

“Gimme a fucking break, you whore.”

Felix’s words were venomous, and they stung, almost as much as the sight of him frowning in disgust at the obvious tent in Sylvain’s pants. Sylvain tried to cover it with his hands but he wasn’t fast enough. He held them there anyway, laughing nervously.

“L...listen, Fe, I can explain…”

“Don’t.”

“Uhm… okay?”

“I meant don’t _call_ me that.”

Oh.

Shit.

“But...I’ve been calling you that since we were kids…” 

This conversation hadn’t even started the way Sylvain was hoping. They hadn’t even gotten on topic and it was already going off the rails!

“Exactly. And we’re not kids anymore. We’re soldiers. Fighting a war. We don’t have time for nicknames.”

“Since when? Since you decided you wouldn’t fuck me again? That I’ll never call you that again in the bedroom?”

“Watch it.”

It was barely a whisper, but it was threatening, foreboding. Sylvain shouldn’t be pushing his luck. He was sober now, wasn’t he? Why couldn’t he be civil?

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m really sorry about last night.”

“What _about_ last night?” Felix asked him, crossing his arms. “What are you sorry about?”

“I don’t know, making you cry? I hate it when you cry. I obviously hurt you.”

“Do you remember what you said to me?”

Uh oh.

“I…” Sylvain stared into Felix’s angry daring eyes and sighed in defeat. “No, I don’t. And I understand how that makes this worse.”

“Much worse,” the swordsman corrected him, his expression changing to something melancholic.

They didn’t speak for several moments. The two stared at each other, reflecting the same sad scowl. A few birds could be heard chirping as they flew above the open ceiling, casting shadows along the sand for a split second before they disappeared.

“Can… can you tell me what I said?”

Felix didn’t even wait for Sylvain to take a breath after his question.

“I’m full of shit for saying that I always loved you. Afraid of commitment. I can’t be with someone and be happy. I’ll be a depressing, brooding prick for the rest of my life. A slur here and there as well.”

His expression had neutralized to a resting face, as if he wasn’t saying such devastating things. The tone of his voice was low and serious, as if he was reading a passage from one of the most boring books from the monastery library. Felix always hated reading out loud, and Professor Byleth had pushed him out of his comfort zone so many times when they were in school those five years ago, that Sylvain had memorized that tone to every vowel, every syllable. The words coming out of his mouth at this moment however were not pertaining to dry definitions or explanations of battle tactics and weaponry. They were pertaining to Sylvain, to their relationship, and it was as haunting to hear as his own nightmares of being pushed down a well by his brother. Every word felt like a deadly punch into Sylvain’s lungs. He almost forgot to breathe as Felix listed everything out. His mind was spinning.

“No…no way…” was all he could utter in response.

“They say drunken words are sober thoughts,” Felix continued, as if Sylvain hadn’t said anything, his expression and tone unchanged, unflinched. “It’s nice to know that’s what you actually think about me. I’m relieved, in fact. I thought it would be really hard to get over you when the time comes for you to marry some noblewoman and have crest children.”

Sylvain was going to throw up his stew all over the ground right in front of Felix.

“Knowing now that you don’t take me seriously, that my being unattracted to girls has always been a flaw in your eyes, that because I want to end this before it gets too serious so that my heart isn't broken just means I’m afraid of commitment? When you’re the only person I’ve been committed to since the day we first met? You have meant everything to me, Sylvain. And if you don’t give a fuck, then why should I?”

Sylvain was suddenly bent over, gagging and clutching his knees, as he felt the undigested stew threatening to come back out of his mouth and cover the toes of Felix's shiny boots. The swordsman recoiled, taking a step back, his eyes widening with just a hint of worry in his battle with denial of caring for Sylvain.

“No...Felix, no…Goddess, this is a nightmare…” Sylvain moaned as he took deep breaths to calm himself down. He had to keep the food down. He had to. Tears blurred his vision. _Yes, just let me cry instead_ , he thought.

“You knew our love was temporary, and yet you kept asking me to come to your room. Nearly every night now, for the last 3 weeks. You knew I always would if you asked. You knew I couldn’t resist. Every time became more automatic, like second nature.”

“Stop…”

“If it weren’t for you I’d probably be a virgin my entire life. I could never wrap my head around the thought of feeling so connected to another person. I trusted you. I felt safe in your arms. You could do anything to my body and I’d let you. I knew you’d never hurt me. Your experience made it easy for you to have me completely smitten, begging for more. And for what, just so I’d dread the future? That I’d dread sleeping in a cold bed up in Fraldarius for the rest of my days while you taught your future son how to swing a lance?”

“Fe, stop!”

Felix had an entire week and a night to mull this over to himself. He was hurting the entire time he had spent training and reading while Sylvain had moronically assumed nothing was wrong. Felix had an entire week and a night to let the sadness flood his being, wrack his mind. He probably cried himself to sleep, muffled in his pillow, separated by two layers of walls on one side and two layers of doors on the other so that Sylvain couldn’t hear. That was the only explanation for his complete lack of emotion. He had been spending all this time letting go. Sylvain had always hated selfishness, he swore to himself that he’d never be selfish. He’d always ask what Felix wanted, always done everything he could for Felix's sake, and yet the silence had upset him so much that he went and got drunk and shared thoughts that lay so dormant in his subconscious that he would have never dared tell them to a stranger let alone the love of his life. He knew Felix only loved him. He knew Felix had been deprived of affection for most of his childhood and teenhood, living in the shadow of Glenn, and in the shadow of Glenn’s memory after he died in war. That was exactly why Felix lived and breathed for Sylvain’s touch, his tease, his praise, and his caress. That’s why he had promised himself he’d provide for Felix as long as he could, before they’d be separated and forced to live according to their family duties. The thought had never dawned on him that it was practically the worst course of action, to love him, fuck him and spoil him to death before tearing himself away forever.

Sylvain was a fucking monster, and Felix was making it known.

Sylvain wept uncontrollably, still crouched over, terrified to look the brokenhearted man he created out of Felix in the eyes. Visions of their times together flashed before him and he wondered if he was dying. He saw small 10 year old Felix, sniffling and hugging him, with a small bruise on his forehead he had gotten from Glenn, a bruise he had kissed better, while Felix’s eyes closed in delight. He saw Felix stifle a laugh across the dinner table at a dumb sexual inuendo he had made to the other guys, a joke that would ruin Felix’s reputation for laughing at fully. He saw Felix looking at him from across the classroom a little too fondly, like he was dreaming of being more than childhood friends. He saw the surprised look on his face, the flush of his cheeks as Sylvain had finally kissed him for the first time in Felix’s dorm, and he could still feel how he relaxed only a moment into the kiss as if years of pining for him were finally over. He saw Felix go about the monastery, catching his gaze and averting his eyes, doing such a terrible job of hiding how happy he was to see him in public. He saw Felix look deep into his eyes, as he stared back down at him, as they lay in his bed about to make love for the first time. He could hear the tiny “ _Syl_ ” come from his raw, freshly bitten lips. " _Please love me…_ ”

Perhaps it was possible to die from a broken heart. Sylvain hoped it was, not for Felix but for himself. He wanted the Goddess to smite him right here and now.

But she spared him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tracks that inspired this chapter are Wolfborn and The Riverlands
> 
> I fought the urge to cry while writing the end of this chapter, trust me, you're not alone... I'm truly sorry for ruining your morning/night/whenever you read this. But I promise you the ending will be worth it. I love the boys and I won't fail them. 😭 💔
> 
> My Sylvix smut comics might make you feel better. 💖


	3. A Failed Façade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byleth clicked her tongue at him.
> 
> “Felix…”
> 
> “Could you not just assume that I’m tired today? That I didn’t get enough sleep? Look at the bags under my eyes!” he argued, pointing his hands at the sagging toned skin.
> 
> “How stupid do you think I am, Felix?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Felix's POV this chapter. Things get much darker...
> 
> Tracks that inspired this chapter are Reverie / The RIverlands.

Letting go of Sylvain was the single hardest thing he had ever gone through his entire life. Even mourning Glenn’s death and dealing with the insensitive words of his father were nothing compared to this. The ache that consumed Felix’s heart was so unbearable, it was unbelievable that he was still able to get out of bed and train for hours with his sword, with his bow arm and with his reason. Perhaps it was therapy to Felix, to focus his mind on something, anything to distract him from being consumed entirely by the sadness. After all, they were still at war, and he had a duty to fulfill. He was one of Byleth’s finest pupils and she needed him sharp now more than ever. Their lives were at stake, their homelands, their futures. Whether his own future would be bleak and depressing or end with his chest bursting open from a thoron blast didn’t matter. He had to be strong for everyone else's' future. He had to be strong so Sylvain had a future, even if there was no place for him in it, even if he would never lay eyes on him again.

He still wasn’t sure how he was able to tell Sylvain how he felt that afternoon in the training grounds with such an outward lack of emotion. Perhaps he was so unbelievably heartbroken that he felt numb standing there, looking at the most beautiful person in his life, knowing he couldn’t have him anymore. When Sylvain had nearly vomited on his boots, he knew it wasn’t just from his hangover but because he was hurting just as much as Felix was. It was so hard to just stand there and watch him choke and gag, to blubber and cry and not lean over and hold him to comfort him. To touch him in that moment would only make things worse. If he was to let go of his feelings for Sylvain, he had to stay away.

Sylvain had always thought Felix was destined to be alone. He had felt that and never told him until he was consumed by alcohol. It made Felix sick to think back to all those nights he shared in Sylvain’s bed, wrapped in his strong protective arms, knowing now that Sylvain must have known. He must have always known it would never last. He must have known that one day when the war was won, he’d be telling Felix they couldn’t continue this blind, passionate fantasy of being lovers. Two men in Fhirdiad-in a kingdom that frowned upon romance between people of the same sex-couldn’t possibly carry on like this long term. People would talk and word would get back to Sylvain’s horrible father. With news like that swimming around, the old man would stop at nothing to bring a suitable bride to Gautier territory and he’d probably force Sylvain to wed her and bed her and take away his horse so that he couldn’t leave, so that he’d never see Felix again.

So what difference did it make that Felix cut the ties now? It was the perfect time to end things, because no one knew what had been going on. The boar was still sleeping his nights in a pile of hay in the stables since they brought his miserable ass back to the monastery. He had never been in his old dorm to hear Sylvain’s bed creaking, to hear Felix’s desperate pleading moans, how he screamed Sylvain’s name every night they fucked those last three weeks.

No one in their army, their group of friends were giving them any weird looks, any knowing glances that the mens’ chemistry had changed. No one seemed to notice how Sylvain teased Felix every chance he got. No one noticed him flirtatiously rub his foot against the swordsman’s leg, or if he was feeling lucky, pressing it against his groin from across the dining hall table while they ate breakfast, lunch or dinner, even when Dedue, Ashe and Annette were seated so close.

Byleth had still carried on her lessons like usual, like old times sake, being the only comfortable nostalgia Felix had left other than being surrounded by his old classmates. She gave him one-on-one instruction every week. Even now, after a month of crying himself to sleep into his pillow so that he could put on a façade during the day, he still had the motivation to carry out through her lessons. He maintained his serious composure, after all, it was his neutral composure, and he could fool anyone that nothing was wrong, even her.

“...and I’m surprised. You with a girl under your arm even now after so long, Gautier.”

The woman’s voice was coming from down the hall, from the dormitory stairs. He didn’t recognize her but he was just drifting off to sleep when he heard her, his heart sinking into his gut at the last word in her sentence.

“Heheheh, welp...yknow what they say, I’m full of surprises.”

“Oh, are you?” she replied, her voice growing sultry, growing louder as the footsteps could now be heard walking down the hall, closer and closer. “I’m excited for what you have in store.”

“I should warn you that I’m very experienced.”

The voices and footsteps had reached Felix’s door and were now fading as they headed to the end of the hall.

“Oh, I know. All of my friends have been with you.”

Gross.

“And that doesn’t bother you, m’lady? Wow, I’m impressed…and a bit scared, heheheh…”

Felix grabbed both sides of his pillow and folded them over his ears with all his might, grumbling to himself to drown out the words he was hearing.

“Isn’t that His Highness’s room?”

He could still hear them, fuck.

“Ya, don’t worry, thankfully he doesn’t sleep there. You can moan as loudly as you want, m’lady.” 

His voice was as soft as silk, as warm as caramel. The tone he had used when he was praising Felix as the swordsman rode him that one time he dared to be on top, telling him how beautiful he was, how perfect he was.

The loving tone didn’t belong to him anymore, it belonged to anyone and everyone Sylvain fucked from now on. 

Felix wondered if Sylvain would have bothered to say any of those poisonous words in total earshot of his room if he had known the man was still awake. He hoped Sylvain wouldn’t want to hurt him. Or maybe he was brutally wrong. Maybe Sylvain genuinely hoped Felix was awake. Maybe this was payback for talking down to him in the training ground and failing to console him while he tried to hold down his food.

It was now over three weeks later and Felix wondered if this the first woman Sylvain was bringing back to his bed since that fight. Had he been asleep earlier in the night and missed the first? Had there been a second he hadn’t heard? Was this woman in fact the third or the fourth? There was no possible way Sylvain could get over him this quickly. He wasn’t like Sylvain’s girls. He was the first one to sleep with Sylvain more than once, plenty more times than once in fact. And he knew that Sylvain was just as much in love with him as he was. Felix knew this could only be his way of letting go. He was rebounding. He was using these girls, and Felix suddenly felt guilty for not only cutting ties with his lover but being the reason for so many women to be used and discarded, because they couldn’t replace the hole Felix had left in Sylvain’s heart.

The swordsman began to cry, tugging his pillow against his ears. Why couldn’t he have been asleep already? He didn’t want to hear this! _Please just go to sleep so I can’t hear her! I don’t wanna hear how good he makes her feel! I want that to be me!_

_I want that to be me!_

_Why can’t it be me?!_

———-

Felix woke up the next morning very tired. It took him hours to calm down and clear his mind to drift off to sleep but the one blessing he received from the goddess was not hearing anything that went on in Sylvain’s room the night before. He wasn’t sure if the woman had stayed in his bed until the morning, or snuck out into the night. When the sun peeked through the storm clouds and shone across Felix’s floor, when he strained his ears to listen over the hum of rain falling on the rooftops, he heard the voices of his friends walking down the hall, and Sylvain’s voice was with them. The voice of the mysterious woman had disappeared. It was as if she had never come up there.

Perhaps it wasn’t too late to ask for a transfer. He was sure Byleth wouldn’t mind. There were plenty of rooms still vacant, a grim reminder that many of their old classmates were fighting on enemy lines. If he moved his belongings down the hall and perhaps to the first floor, maybe if he stayed in Bernie’s old room, he would be able to sleep better. He didn’t mind if there was more noise. He didn’t mind if he was woken up too early or too late by people walking to and from their rooms. As long as he didn’t hear Sylvain and the voice of a new woman every evening, he knew he could sleep better.

Somehow, Felix always felt motivated to train before breakfast. He had done so every morning, even back during his school days. It was routine, to get the blood pumping through his veins. The numbness of his depression was alleviated during his training, for short breathless moments, he felt alive. 

It was raining hard today. He could hear people laughing with delight as they stepped outside unprepared, screaming at their friends how soaked they already were and to hurry to the dining hall, the sound of their footsteps pounding through wet grass and puddles.

It was amazing how people could be so cheerful, when the weather was so gloomy.

It was amazing how the weather perfectly reflected how Felix still felt inside and how he had come to just accept this for how he would feel for a long time.

He stepped out, fully clothed from the dormitory stairwell and onto the walkway beside the greenhouse. He stood straight like a statue and closed his eyes, letting the rain fall and cover him from the top of his head, to his shoulders. He felt the droplets run down his forehead, sift through his long eyelashes, cascade down his nose and drip off his skin on to the ground. At least this was something. At least this was a sensation that he would never be without. The goddess would always be there to caress him with her tears.

“Felix.”

Byleth’s tone was urgent, and it made him jump. He turned to look and saw her standing on the edge of the first floor dormitory walkway, sheltered from the rain.

“What on earth are you doing? You’re soaked!”

Felix didn’t realize how long he had been standing there. He looked down and saw his cape was already dripping at the fringe. His feet were feeling damp in his boots, the rain soaking through. 

Byleth was by his side only moments later, pulling her shawl off her shoulders to wrap over his head.

“You’re going to catch a cold! Come with me!”

Why?

Why did she have to discover him in this moment of weakness? Would she brush it off and assume he was just spacing out? Maybe others were prone to this type of behaviour but not him, so it wasn’t likely.

Still, he followed her into the greenhouse, his head down in shame, afraid to look her in the eyes. He needed her to know he was better than this. This wouldn’t affect his skill, he wouldn’t let her down in the next mission. She could count on him!

“Do you have an extra change of clothes handy?” she asked in a motherly tone. Felix looked around the greenhouse. Thank the goddess no one was here to witness this.

“Y...yes,” he whispered, turning his focus to the floor. 

“Why not you go change? Should I walk with you back to your dorm?”

“What?” he hissed, irritated at her affection. “What am I, a child?”

“You’re tired and spacey,” she replied seriously. “I don’t want you to stop dead in your tracks in the rain again.”

“I’m not spacey!” he argued. “What’s the matter with feeling the rain on your face every once in awhile?”

Byleth frowned sadly at him.

“Are you on your way to the training grounds?”

It was strange for her to suddenly change the subject.

“I...that’s what I was planning, yes.”

“Do you have time later today to talk with me?”

“To talk with you? About what?”

Her expression became sadder.

“Felix, I haven’t had you for tea since you were in my class… we used to have tea together nearly every month…”

Felix missed having tea with his professor. She always knew what his favourite brew was, and she never bothered to offer him nasty biscuits, always crackers instead. But he was so afraid of revealing to her what lingered in the deepest recesses of his damaged mind; how often he thought as he walked past the fishing pond that if he just walked off the pier, and relaxed all his limbs, he could end it all right away and sink to the bottom; how he sometimes looked curiously in the market as the blacksmiths poured molten steel into moulds. _What would happen if I poured that down my throat?_ he had thought. _How quickly would I die?_

“Felix?”

He had spaced out again. 

She was waving her hand at him to catch his attention, and he flinched, immediately frowning at how quickly he could be proven wrong.

“Please, what time is good for you? I’m available from 1 until 4 today.”

He figured it was best to just submit to her kindness and get this over with.

“How about 2?”

“Sounds good,” she said, finally smiling faintly, which was a godsend for her. “I’ll see you in my quarters.”

Oh right. That was really the only place to have tea these days.

Felix was able to convince Byleth that he could make it back to his room alone and he managed to get himself to the training grounds somewhat dry.

The morning flew by. Felix had practiced his sword routine so many times that he could do it in his sleep and he was still as graceful as a dancer. When he started to sweat, he took a drink from his water jug and wiped his forehead against the cool condensation that dotted the material.

He had breakfast late, when he was sure everyone he knew had come and gone. He crossed his fingers as he walked in the hall that Sylvain hadn’t crawled out of bed too late again, that he had breakfast with everyone else and was carrying on with his day so he wouldn’t have to face him. Thankfully, today, he was in luck.

The kitchen staff eyed Felix seriously as he walked inside, reaching for a plate, muttering softly which dish he wanted. They didn’t ask him questions, but it seemed the façade he had maintained was beginning to fail him. They knew. They could see the emptiness in his eyes.

After he finished his meat skewers and side of grilled vegetables, he decided to climb up to the library. Maybe there was a book he could read that would help him. He figured it was worth a shot to check. People had to have gone through this type of pain before, a failed relationship in which both parties didn’t want it to end. He could shuffle between that and his studies in battalion tactics.

Felix found nothing in the psychology section that could help him.

Apparently, the only cases of heartbreak pertained to unrequited love, cheating and failing to confess to the other. No one in the entire history of Fódlan had ever been in love with someone with that someone loving them back and having to tear themselves apart. Either that, or no one had the heart to write a book about it to help others.

Felix took notes from the stack of books he had gathered on battalions, and took a look at the clock on the wall. It was nearly 2PM. He had forgotten to eat lunch. He hoped Byleth had something other than crackers that wasn’t as sweet as biscuits that he could munch on while they sipped their tea.

He jogged down the hall and out of the upper tower, nearly crashing into Flayn, who squeaked in shock at him and told him to be careful. He was too numb to reply.

Reaching Byleth’s door, he sniffed as his nose ran from the vapour in the air. It had stopped raining by this time. The streets were full of puddles and worms were climbing out of the ground, just in time to be scooped up by the doves to feed to their young. The man knocked once and waited a few moments. He instantly heard shuffling of dainty feminine shoes on the floor.

“Come in, Felix,” Byleth greeted him, opening the door and stepping aside to allow him to pass through.

“Th...thank you again for having me,” he said softly. He felt bad for showing her disdain earlier that morning. He needed to remember to accept people’s kindness, especially now.

“Have a seat,” she replied, as she pulled out her chair on the other side of the small table in the center of the room. She sat down, looking up at him.

His former teacher had already heated a pot and two cups each had a tea bag steeping inside. Steam was coming off the cups. She had probably just poured them a few minutes earlier.

Felix reached out and pulled the opposite chair back. It dragged loudly on the floor, echoing awkwardly in the tiny room.

“I’m worried about you, Felix.”

He hadn’t even fucking sat down.

Worried? Did she know? She couldn’t.

“Worried? About what?” he groaned, taking a seat in his chair. “I’ve been practicing constantly. I haven’t missed a single seminar, and I’m always ready for your one-on-one coaching.”

Byleth sighed and lifted her cup of tea, blowing on it softly.

“Felix, as your former professor, you know I’m not only here to provide you with learning but also with counsel. Now I know that it’s been five years and I’m no longer your professor, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.”

Did she actually know?

Felix stood up, his chair screeching loudly. Byleth didn’t stir, she just looked up at him blankly, as if she fully expected this reaction.

“Look, I have a pretty good idea what you’re assuming and I’m not going to entertain that topic. If that’s what you’ve invited me here to discuss, then I politely decline your invitation.”

“Felix? Sit. Down,” the woman ordered. Her voice was firm and stern. She was glaring up at him and pointing to his chair with a flexed hand. She was about ready to throw punches.

“Professor-“

“Do not talk back to me! I made a point of going into the market this morning and buying your Almyran Pine Needles just for this occasion! Now sit!”

She was right. He could smell his favourite brew. The delicious aroma tickled the hairs in his nostrils. It would be extremely rude for him to leave after she went and poured a cup for him and herself. She never liked his tea. He knew she didn’t. She always made a face whenever she took a sip. She did her best to hide it but Felix could tell.

He let out a sigh of defeat and slumped back in his chair, closing his eyes.

“Fine, I’ll stay…”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know what you mean…”

Byleth clicked her tongue at him.

“Felix…”

“Could you not just assume that I’m tired today? That I didn’t get enough sleep? Look at the bags under my eyes!” he argued, pointing his hands at the sagging toned skin.

“How stupid do you think I am, Felix?”

She didn’t have a follow up. 

That was a cruel question to ask him. He had never thought she was stupid. He had only assumed she was too busy and too caught up in preparing their troops for each mission. She still had 10 other former students to be watching over. Why would she notice any change in Felix?

“I...I could never think you’re stupid, Professor,” he admitted, frowning sadly at her. “You have enough to worry about.”

“Oh, I have enough to worry about?” she bounced back, her voice stingy with attitude. “Like the fact that you’re slowing us down in every mission this month?”

What?

“I’m...slowing you down?” he stammered. “I...how?”

“You can’t finish off enemies quickly enough,” she explained. “Your blows are weak. They’re not fatal. You don’t do well fighting alongside Annette or Ashe, you never have.”

Oh goddess.

“Every time we enter the battlefield, I pair you with Sylvain. I take my eyes off you two for five minutes and I look back and see you with Annette or Ashe and Sylvain clinging up to Mercedes on the other side of the battlefield!”

“That’s...what does it matter? We always make it out okay!”

Why was he bothering to argue with her? He’d already lost this debate. He knew as well as she did that Sylvain on his mount with a lance in his arm and his tomes as a dark knight were the perfect balance with Felix by his side on his feet, with his sword, his bow and his thoron. They were the most powerful pair in their forces. It had been that way since they entered the battlefield for the first time as students in Garreg Mach. Byleth always knew they had good chemistry, because they were childhood friends. She had paired them up on the battlefield ever since.

But things had changed after Felix told Sylvain they had to stop sleeping together. They changed even more after the redhead had revealed his darkest thoughts to Felix through his drunken stupor. Every time the two made eye contact now it felt like Felix’s chest was being riddled with tiny knives. Sylvain’s glance would be sad and melancholic, with round eyes like a puppy dog, without the begging shine they usually had, and he never looked at Felix for very long before turning away. Why would he want to fight alongside someone like that? The enemy would kill both of them.

“You know exactly why it matters, Felix. Don’t play dumb with me now.”

Felix let out a sigh and stared at his reflection in his tea cup. 

Byleth knew. She knew something awful had happened between him and Sylvain.

“Listen, if there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I can read people. I’m good at it. Even if you think you can get past most people you can’t get past me. Your behaviour on the battlefield isn’t the only thing that has caught my attention.”

Felix decided to just sit in silence and let her list out everything as he stared at his reflection. After he gave her enough silence to communicate this, she continued.

“You train longer than you ever have as long as I’ve known you. You dart between the training grounds and the library and the dining hall faster than anyone can keep track of. I used to be able to find you in a pinch. And now I don’t see you for days. You don’t eat in the dining hall with anyone. You haven’t shared a meal with your peers for weeks. Annette has come to me saying she’s worried about you, that she enjoys having lunch with you. Mercedes has come to me asking why Sylvain says nothing when she asks him to go back to your side on the battlefield. You don’t chat with anyone in the boardroom. You sit in the very corner and you look down at your papers if you’re not looking up at me when I’m teaching.”

Holy shit… had he really been that obvious? Had he really not realized the others were this worried about him?

“Did something happen between you two?” Byleth finally asked him, her voice soft and gentle.

She didn’t even have to say his name. Both of them knew exactly who she was referring to.

“I…it’s…”

The words couldn’t come. How could he tell her? How could he describe what had happened? He would have to tell her the two had been sexually involved. He had never shared that information with anyone before, and now that it was over, he had no desire to.

“Does it have anything to do with why I don’t hear you in his room anymore?”

Felix forgot to breathe.

She knew more than he had thought.

Horrified, he raised his head slowly to finally look at her, his lips open and pursed in a confused curve. His face felt hot like the room had become a sauna. His mind was racing, thinking about the hows and why’s. _She was eavesdropping?! How long? How much did she hear?! How long did she loiter in the hall?! What was she doing in the second floor of the dorms at that time of night anyway?!_

“Professor….what the _fuck_?”

She looked at him, puzzled. Then paused, reading his face and realizing what he was thinking, that she had been where she wasn’t supposed to be. But that’s when she sighed and raised her hand to point at the ceiling.

Her bedroom ceiling.

Sylvain’s bedroom floor.

She was exactly where she was supposed to be.

Felix’s eyes became saucers and his mouth hung open as far as it could go. How could he have forgotten where her bedroom was relative to Sylvain’s? Was he a fucking moron? His heart pounded so loudly, he heard his pulse throb through his head. He began to breathe heavily and covered his face with his hands. This was the most embarrassing moment of his life.

“Felix…”

This sweet woman, who he admired, looked up to and promised to fight for, had heard him in his most private moments. Dear goddess, he hoped the ceiling and the floor were thicker than the walls. He hoped she had only heard bits and pieces. He wanted to crumble away and die at the thought that she had most likely heard him screaming Sylvain’s name at the top of his lungs. Lower pitches was louder than higher pitches. He was probably the loudest guest to ever enter Sylvain’s room.

Byleth’s gentle hand was on his forearm.

“Felix, please. Don’t be embarrassed. I’m your professor. I would never judge you.”

“I wanna throw up…” He felt tears in his eyes instead.

“Please, Felix… Don’t be ashamed. I’m here to help you.”

“You can’t help!” he grumbled. “It’s over! It’s just over!”

“Over in a way that you’ve driven a wedge between you? You grew up together. I thought you two were friends…”

“ ** _Yes! And we should have stayed friends!”_** he yelled into his hands as he felt the tears fall. **_“I never should have fallen for him! I never should have let him kiss me! Things went so fast!_** They went so damn fast…”

“But you couldn’t help if you fell for him Felix…” Byleth said softly. “No one can control who they fall in love with.”

**_“Then I’m cursed! The goddess has cursed me! Why would she make me fall in love with my best friend?! Why would she damn me to a life where I’m not allowed to be with him?!”_ **

“I don’t understand…” she cut him off. “Did Sylvain say that you? Did he cut ties with you?”

“No, it was me,” he blubbered. “I ended it. That asshole would never consider it until the last fucking minute! I’ll be damned if I allow us to go that long and get that into it and make the pain even worse than it is now.”

“But Felix, I still don’t get it,” Byleth said softly, rubbing her hand back and forth along his arm. “Who told you that you weren’t allowed to be together?”

“No one! No one has said a thing because no one knows! It’s an unspoken rule, Professor! If Sylvain is to be the next Margrave and pass on his crest, he has to find a bride!”

“Is that what Sylvain wants? To find a bride?”

“No! He’s always hated the thought of women using him! He’s never cared for a woman in his bed his whole life!”

“Then what makes you think he’s going to do it?”

“Because he’s selfless, professor! He would never live a life for his own gain! He’s always living for others! For his family lineage! For his crest!”

“Like he lives for you?”

Felix froze. He lifted his face from his hands and stared at her, his eyes red from crying, tears staining his cheeks.

“What are you talking about?”

“If Sylvain has never loved a woman…if he truly loves you, why would he so willingly do as his father commands? Why wouldn’t he want to stay by your side if he knows that that’s what you want more than anything? If he knows living with you would make you happy, isn’t that living selflessly? Being there for you?”

“I…but….he wouldn’t _willingly_ do what his father wants.” Felix argued back, struggling to find the words, as his brain fired countless signals trying to process what Byleth had just said. “He’d…he’d fight against the ruling...but in the end it’s the difference between having a title and lands and living in a slum.”

“Have you asked Sylvain what he plans to do?”

“I...I didn’t have to...he told me when he was drunk how he really feels. He thinks I’m helpless alone. When I told him I was cutting ties before things got too serious since he was going to end it anyway, he didn’t have anything to say. He just begged me to stop talking.”

“Felix, how is that proof?”

“Because! He knows as well as I do that if his father ever found out about us, he’d force Sylvain to get married to some highborn woman and it would still be over!”

“ ** _Have. You. Asked_** him? Have you had this conversation?”

What was this feeling coming over Felix? 

He wanted the professor to shut up. Why was she asking all of these fucking questions?! What was she trying to do? Felix was right! He knew he was right! He wanted to be right! 

“Please shut up…”

“Excuse me?” Her voice was stern again. He had forgotten who he was speaking to.

“Please stop asking me…” he replied, softer.

“You mean you don’t actually know? You’re basing this off of fear and assumptions?”

Hope. 

That’s what this feeling was…

She was instilling hope in Felix.

It was too late for hope. The damage was done and beyond repair. Sylvain hadn’t spoken a word to Felix since that day he had his hangover. How were they supposed to say hello to each other now?

“Professor...I was afraid…” he muttered sadly, staring into his cold tea. “I was afraid of the unknowing...not knowing what would happen with us, if we rebelled and ran away, would it work out? Would his reputation be ruined because of me? Would we be shunned from Fhirdiad? Would we lose our titles? Would Sylvain be dragged back and forced to marry? How deep would we have been in love by then? How much more painful would that be? Would I already have lost so much of the Kingdom’s respect that no one would ever want me? I didn’t want to find out the hard way. I wanted to be in control.”

As he went on, Byleth stared at Felix, her eyes growing wider. Her nostrils flared in frustration at the mention of control.

“You’re an _idiot_.”

He stared at her.

They were silent.

The white noise in the room was deafening. There was the sound of light rain on the patio outside the dorm room. It was raining again but not as hard as that morning. 

Felix had groaned during school when Byleth would give him lectures on how he wasn’t channeling his energy with his reason spells. She would show him tough love until he got it right. Even though he did his best training alone, she would always scold him for not joining the others in practicing, but her words always made sense; they were always mindful. He mispronounced so many terms in their textbooks when she made him read outloud and she’d always scoff quietly and let him carry on without saying anything.

Byleth had never, ever called him an idiot.

Felix was furious.

Not for the bluntness of her response to his release of pent up emotions and worries. Not for the use of that word in particular towards him. It was because he knew how intelligent of a woman she was. She was the smartest woman he had ever met. Everything that came out of her mouth made sense. It was because calling him an idiot at this moment was the truest thing he had ever been slapped in the face with. It was the truest thing she had ever said to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone should just assume I'm Byleth. Just assume YOU'RE Byleth. Everyone who reads this is technically Byleth.


	4. One Upmanship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix had a clock, because time meant a lot to Felix. He hated wasting time and loved cherishing time’s fleeting moments. He would often ask Sylvain when they used to cuddle after sex in the redhead's bed what time it was, worried whenever he casually reminded him that he couldn’t tell the time in his own room. _“I just...want this night to last forever...I’m scared of the morning…”_ he had said. It broke Sylvain’s heart to think back to those words. Felix’s decision was so stupid and riddled with paranoia. Knowing how much the after-sex cuddling alone meant to the swordsman made Sylvain wonder if Felix was suffering more than he was. He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. He wanted to scream at him to just take what he wanted. He wanted Felix to claim him and never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Sylvain's POV. We need to know what's going through his head.

It had been so long since Sylvain had sex. Even when he could effortlessly coax women around Garreg Mach to his bedroom, the affair would never reach his bedside before each one would slap him one across the face and storm out in a huff. As soon as his heart began to beat faster, as soon as the serotonin kicked in that things were about to get spicy, he’d ruin it. He would ruin the fun with one uttered word.

For some reason, his attraction to women changed since he and Felix had gotten serious. It used to be that he was excited to see a girl’s thick lips all raw and hungry to kiss, with that rich pomegranate red from their fresh lipstick. He used to like the taste of women’s lips, how it stained around his cheeks and his jaw when they got ravenous and horny kissing him. He used to get excited to feel a woman’s hips grinding against his own, so excited to undo their blouse and feel their breasts in his hands. He used to be excited no matter what size a woman’s chest was, because it was always a joy to fondle them and make her moan. He used to like a woman’s privates a lot. He used to like how they looked, how girls were always shy and self conscious about theirs because they didn’t think it looked beautiful. He used to love fingering them, tasting them on his fingers, even getting his face down in between their legs and eating them out until they came. It was nearly every woman’s weakness.

Now, none of this excited him. No woman’s lips were beautiful enough to him. Their lipstick was okay but it made their lips lack that masculine taste he was growing to love. He was alright with women grinding him, but when he’d wrap his hands around their hips, he’d be disappointed that they were so curvy, soft and feminine; they weren’t firm enough in his grip. He wasn’t excited anymore to unbutton a woman’s shirt, not when he only had eyes for the chest of one person now. He still liked what lay between a woman’s legs, but it wasn’t the same. He liked how women responded to his touch, how he could finger them in the right spot and get them to keen loudly, but their moans annoyed him. They were too shrill, too dainty, too high pitched. He often found it could only satisfy him if his mind wandered to his wildest fantasies.

He missed that man that used to share his bed. He missed those thin, sophisticated lips and how they tasted like fresh pine, so proper and hygiene-sensitive. He missed the porcelain skin, firm and defined with lean muscle, how a body that appeared so serious and rigid could crumble so effortlessly with just some gentle caress. He missed those gorgeous, beautiful hips. Perhaps he had wanted to praise them the entire time he studied at Garreg Mach and he hadn’t realized it. There was just something about how perfectly those uniform pants clung and accentuated those angles, so strong from hours of pivoting battle stance, swinging a sword, channeling thoron and shooting arrows. He missed how that skin felt when he squeezed it with his hands. He missed how he would look into those angelic eyes, too flawless to belong to a woman, when those eyelashes would flutter in response to the pressure from his own hands. He missed the sound of the man’s voice that would hum and echo in the room at the same time. That voice was private and it belonged to Sylvain in that tone, in that pleading pitch. It was a version of the man’s voice that not another person would ever hear if he was standing in front of them. He missed how easily he could make the man come undone. He missed the taste of his seed after sucking him off. He missed pleasing him. He missed having sex with him so much. He missed his best friend and lover. Fucking hell, he missed him.

“Felix...”

“What the fuck, Gautier?!”

He was kissing a brunette leaned up against his south bedroom wall and she had pushed him away roughly.

“Huh? What? What’s wrong?”

“What the hell did you just call me?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t call you anything, babe.” 

“You said Felix. I heard you.”

 _Oh shit… Not again_ , he thought. _This is ridiculous._

The girl studied his calculative expression and pressed further.

“You mean **_Felix Hugo Fraldarius_**?”

“I...”

“Oh my god, you _fucked_ him…” She said it with a tone of disgust. LIke they were referencing a troll or an ogre. A fire burned in Sylvain’s eyes.

“Hey, you got a problem with that?” he snapped at her.

“Ya, if you’re gonna mutter his name while I fuck you!”

“You clearly have shitty taste in men if you think I’m more fuckable than he is!”

“You’re a dumbass! I’d fuck Fraldarius in five minutes if he’ll have me! I just didn’t know you fucked all kinds! I’m done with you, manwhore…”

The girl gave him a hard shove making him stumble back into the center of the room and she turned his doorknob, forcefully swinging the hinge open and stomped down the hall, her heels echoed loudly on the wooden floorboards.

This was a typical evening encounter for him. Most of them ended this way. Sylvain always forgetting to keep quiet when fantasizing about Felix, forgetting not to scowl at a woman’s chest, sticking up for Felix by shitting all over his own self worth. Sylvain was a joke and no woman in the monastery wanted to fuck a joke.

This had been going on for too long and after this woman, it had become the last straw. Hooking up with females was not helping him get over Felix. He needed to find a way to talk to him. The air had become too toxic. The fact that he felt physically uncomfortable being a few feet away from him on the battlefield was very concerning. He needed to work this out, or this ordeal would eventually kill him if an arrowhead didn’t.

Sylvain groaned loudly and fell back on his bed, pounding his fists into the mattress, cursing under his breath. It had been months, months since the two had even spoken to each other. It was too late to have a proper conversation, yet too early to try and go back to the way things had always been.

And would it even last? He wanted it to. He wanted to be with Felix forever. He was certain Felix felt the same way. But it would destroy their titles, destroy their authority in the kingdom. No one would take them seriously. Felix would become just as much of a joke as Sylvain and it broke Sylvain’s heart at the thought of giving the love of his life that awful reputation. Felix was perfect. He was too perfect in his eyes for that level of exile.

Was it even possible to make it work? Sylvain had pondered the idea of following his father’s commands and marrying a noble woman but loving Felix in secret. They could have a night every week when he’d sneak out and meet up with him in a desolate area, with a log cabin. They would talk and hold each other and catch up on life. They’d kiss and fuck all night long and sleep in each other’s arms. Then Sylvain would arise before dawn and sneak back home, back into his wife’s bed, like nothing had ever happened. It might actually work. Sylvain was very stealthy, very good at being smooth and not getting caught. He had been a womanizer and heartbreaker for so long, he doubted he would even be worried about hurting his future wife’s feelings. But as much as it would be a blessing to remind Felix every week that he only loved him and his marriage was a farse, he knew it would tear the swordsman up inside being alone for the other six days of the week, knowing the redhead was having sex with a woman and playing games with a child that looked half like him and half like that woman. He didn’t give a crap about breaking the woman’s heart, but he felt sick to his stomach at the thought of putting Felix through that.

Another option would be to tell his future wife outright that he was only going through with the arrangement to give her a crest-bearing son or daughter so that the Gautier name could carry on. And because he knew that being a parent meant nothing if he couldn’t do it together with Felix, he’d most likely offer the woman enough gold that she could be well off as a single parent. Their child would go places and it was the most he could offer without being insincere.

The last option, the most dangerous option, the option he wanted the most, was to run away with Felix. He wanted a life where they could love each other freely and not worry about what people thought. He wanted a life where he could wake up to that beautiful face every single morning, and kiss his cheeks and his eyelids to wake him. He wanted a life where he could make him breakfast, and they could run outside and roll in the grass and have a tickle fight. He wanted to take him to a pond enclosed in trees, where man had never ventured, fantasized about them stripping naked and jumping in the water, shrieking at the cold and immediately splashing each other like they used to as children, before doing what they never imagined doing as children, making out in the water, listening to the soft sounds of ripples enveloping their tangled bodies. He wanted to tell Felix every day that he loved him. He loved him like he had never loved anyone his entire life, and he would show Felix every day how much he meant to him.

But maybe if they did that, they would never see their friends again. Maybe their relationship would shatter Dimitri’s respect for them. Maybe the future king would banish both of them and remove them from all the history scrolls, damning them for choosing love over lineage. He had never discussed these types of topics with Dimitri to know what his views were on the matter, but he assumed that due to the Blaiddyd family’s connection to the church, he most likely frowned upon the idea of two men joining houses.

But what mattered more to Sylvain? The sheer possibility of exile, or being Felix’s day and night, his moon and stars. Fuck. All he wanted was to see the swordsman smile softly every day, the way he only did when Sylvain was holding him close.

Impatient again, he sprung from his bed and stomped out of his room into the hall, freezing abruptly when he went through the doorway, shocked at how quiet the hall was and how his footsteps echoed so loudly. He wasn’t sure what time it was. Maybe it was midnight, maybe it was an hour past. He couldn’t be certain. Sylvain was an idiot and he never bothered to have a clock in his room. Felix had a clock, because time meant a lot to Felix. He hated wasting time and loved cherishing time’s fleeting moments. He would often ask Sylvain when they used to cuddle after sex in the redhead's bed what time it was, worried whenever he casually reminded him that he couldn’t tell the time in his own room. _“I just...want this night to last forever...I’m scared of the morning…”_ he had said. It broke Sylvain’s heart to think back to those words. Felix’s decision was so stupid and riddled with paranoia. Knowing how much the after-sex cuddling alone meant to the swordsman made Sylvain wonder if Felix was suffering more than he was. He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. He wanted to scream at him to just take what he wanted. He wanted Felix to claim him and never let go.

Sylvain walked slowly down the hall, as if he was in an Enbarr Inn, terrified to alert the enemy. He reached Felix’s door and stood in silence. Part of him hoped things would go like they did when he had been drunk, that Felix would swing the door open, asking how long he had been standing there. Part of him was terrified of that happening because he still didn’t know what to say after all this time he could have spent thinking over the perfect pickup line.

He raised his hand hesitantly to the door and paused. He didn’t want to wake him, but he also did want to wake him. He was afraid he wouldn’t have the balls tomorrow to attempt this talk. And he knew he’d punch himself in the gut with regret, that maybe they would have made up if he had a working brain and just fucking knocked on the door!

“Fuck me...:”

He knocked three times, loudly, then he waited. He heard a rustle of bedsheets then a pause, but no voice. Dammit, Felix had probably been sleeping and woke up in a jolt. A few moments later, Sylvain heard more rustling of sheets, then the sound of bare feet walking across the floor. The sound stopped just in front of the door but the knob didn’t turn. Sylvain’s heart pounded loudly in his chest. He gulped nervously. Maybe this was a mistake.

“Syl?”

Sylvain’s heart fluttered in his chest at the nickname. In an instant, he started to cry. He couldn’t control it. Hearing Felix's voice like this after so long was like a blessing from the goddess. It cured all his sadness. Even if this would only be temporary, it was enough for him.

“Syl...what are you doing? It’s 2AM.”

“Shit...sh--shit, I’m sorry… Fe, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t wake you up…”

“You did. Why are you crying?”

“I’m sorry… your voice sounds so beautiful…”

His praise was answered with sickening silence. As Sylvain sniffled to himself, feeling his nose begin to run, his mind wavered frantically. He didn’t know how Felix would react to praise after cutting him away. He may have just crossed the line.

“What do you want?”

Sylvain swallowed, and squinted the tears away that welled up in his eyes. Felix’s voice sounded pained and irritated, like this was the upteenth time the redhead had used a sexual innuendo at the dining table. He didn’t know what to do.

“Please...please, Fe....Can you open the door?”

“No,” he replied almost instantly.

Sylvain was out of ideas, so he just kept begging, like a lost puppy.

“Fe...we need to talk...I can’t live like this...I can’t take this anymore…”

“We’re talking right now, aren’t we?”

Sylvain’s heart pounded harder. Based on what Felix had just said, he wasn’t in a hurry to dismiss him and go back to bed. He had to be careful with his words.

“May I ask...why you won't open the door?”

“I don’t know, what do you think? I can’t look at you when you’re crying.”

His words stung. They stung like hell.

“I-I’m sorry…I’ll stop crying,” Sylvain said shakily as he wiped the tears and snot on to his sleeves and took a few moments to calm down.

“I’m still not opening this door,” Felix added coldly.

“Why not?” he barked back, forcing the urge to cry down, down, down.

“Don’t prod me, Gautier.” 

The absence of the nickname meant he was getting angry.

“Felix, if you’re not going to be honest with me then I’m not going to be honest with you about why I’m here, and I would have woken you up for nothing.”

There was a long pause again. The longer it dragged out, the faster Sylvain’s pulse became. Perhaps now he had crossed the line by threatening him.

“You make a good point,” Felix replied softly. Sylvain almost stumbled over his own feet in shock. “I don’t…want to make this any harder on us. If I open the door, I might just…”

Felix trailed off and there was silence on the other side of the door again, but Sylvain knew exactly what he would have said. _I might just cry too, maybe kiss you._

“Aww, Fe...Why did you have to do this? Why can’t we just go back to the way things were? I need you. You need me. You know it’s true.”

“You would still end it after Enbarr, wouldn’t you?”

“I…” His words left him. He wanted to tell Felix he was so wrong, but he still had his own doubts. He still didn't have a plan.

“Sylvain, I cannot...put myself through that...I doubt you want that either. I’m doing this for both of us, with our best interests in mind. It’s better this way.”

“The hell it’s not!” the redhead raised his voice now, perhaps a little too loudly. He covered his mouth in anticipation for the angry residents.

“Idiot, you’re going to wake everyone up. Now go back to bed.”

“No…” Sylvain felt the tears again. “I don’t want to go to bed. I want to hear your voice. I miss you, Fe. I love you so much…”

“Sylvain, please stop…” Felix’s voice cracked on the other side of the door and Sylvain heard him sniffle. “Don’t do this to me…”

“Then open this fucking door, Fe. I swear to the Goddess, if you don’t open this door I will scream and wake everyone u-”

The door swung open, making Sylvain jump. There stood Felix, with some fresh tears trickling down his cheeks, in his loose, long sleeved nightshirt. He wasn’t wearing his night trousers, his dick in full view, hanging limp and sad toward the floor. The sight startled Sylvain. He had never imagined Felix slept with no pants on when he was alone. He figured that was what sloppy men did, what guys like himself did, yet here he was. The redhead made sure not to let his gaze linger too long in his crotch area so he moved his eyes back up to look at Felix, but stopped at his shirt and stared. Were those...cum stains? He darted his eyes back to Felix’s face. The man was hanging his head in shame and embarrassment, his face turning pinker under the tear streaks. 

“I...Felix, I’m sorry...Go put some pants on.”

“I can’t. They’re still dirty,” he replied sadly, still not looking up at him.

“What do you mean, I thought you had plenty of pairs…”

“All dirty. Waiting for them to be washed.”

“Here, I’ll go to my room and fetch you a spare pair of mine.”

“I don’t want your pants.”

“What do you mean? Here, at least borrow my shirt…”

Sylvain went to take off his shirt to offer Felix but the man huffed at him and yanked his arm to stop him, still refusing to look him in the eyes.

“I don’t want your clothes, stop it.”

“Look, I’m only trying to help. I didn’t mean to see you like this. You should have just told me you didn’t want me to see you.”

“Well maybe I did.”

“Huh?”

Felix stood in silence, staring at Sylvain’s stocking feet, refusing to elaborate. His face stayed that shy pink hue and he was grimacing. Sylvain eyed his body language thoughtfully, registering what the swordsman was trying to say without words. Perhaps they were words he was not comfortable sharing. It didn’t take him long to read that expression on his face. He knew that expression anywhere. It was the most common form of male shame.

“All your clothes are dirty from jacking off?”

Felix didn’t answer him. If the answer was no, he would have said something.

“I still want to offer you a pair of pants if it will help you sleep.”

“Jacking off helps me sleep.” Felix said it almost like it was a leech he was yanking off his skin, a truth he needed to let loose. Sylvain felt awkward by his tone.

“O….kay, I mean, it’s common for sure, heheheh, I know it helps me.”

“Ya, it would certainly help when your cock isn’t shoved up a woman’s cunt.”

Sylvain choked on his breath. His jaw dropped as he stared at Felix. 

“Fe...what the fuck?”

“Unfortunately, jacking off is all I have, unlike you. Unlike you with all your countless, nameless girls.”

“Fe…”

“I am sick and fucking tired of hearing them walk with you down this fucking hallway. It’s driving me insane, the way you fucking smooth talk them, the way you flirt with them like they’re the last living soul on earth and telling them to _moan as loud as they want_.”

He really let those last words drawl out off his tongue, as he finally looked into Sylvain’s eyes, with disgust and disdain. Sylvain’s lip quivered as he realized those were words he had said quote unquote to a woman not too long ago. Felix had been awake. He had heard him.

“Felix...dear goddess, I didn’t think you heard that.”

“Sure you didn’t.”

“I’m serious, Fe… Goddess forgive me…”

“You’re so full of shit. You did it so often. You probably got off on making me jealous.”

“Felix… Felix, I’m sorry… I never meant for you to hear.”

“So you don't deny it? Getting off to my jealousy? When you were finished with your girl?”

“I deny it! I would never say those things hoping you heard me! How cruel do you think I am?!”

“Cruel enough to hook up with a woman tonight and then come to my door telling me you love me so much and you can’t do this anymore? You don’t think I’ve fucking suffered? You don’t think I’ve cried myself to sleep drowning out the sound of your bed creaking?”

“Fe, I swear to the Goddess just stop it!”

“You never want to hear how I feel,” Felix muttered bitterly, with gritted teeth. “You’re always telling me to stop talking when I open up to you.”

“You’re breaking my heart….” Sylvain began to sob into his hands and shook. “This isn’t going anywhere… I want to mend this... I want things to be okay again. I can’t stand how much I’m hurting you...”

“I’ll put it this way, I'll ask the professor for a transfer tomorrow. That way you don’t have to worry about me hearing you anymore and you can continue fucking girls. How’s that?”

Sylvain looked up at him and shook his head, breathing heavily, trying his damndest to stay calm. This was more one upmanship. First it was his drunken stupor, then Felix let him have it in the training grounds. Then Sylvain had smooth talked girls in the hallway. Now Felix was paying him back again, showing him how he was even more broken than Sylvain was, even more distraught than Sylvain predicted him to be. Felix was really good at letting his pain bottle up inside and then blasting his pent up anger and sadness at his foes. It was the one thing Sylvain absolutely hated about his lover, because he was too lovable to handle the sheer amount of pain that Felix had tried to conceal. He couldn’t process how to help him. He didn’t have the resources to feel comfortable making things okay. All he had in his arsenal was the truth.

“I haven’t.... I haven’t even had my cock inside a girl since before we got serious...it never got that far.”

Felix stared at him in disbelief, scoffed and then shook his head at him.

“Bullshit.”

“I wouldn’t fucking lie to you now, would I?”

“Maybe... If you’re desperate as you appear to be.”

“I’m not lying Fe. They get as far as the side of my bed and then they leave. The most I’ve had was half a blowjob.”

“Half? Why half?”

“Because she stormed out of my room like all the others?”

“Why would they storm out?”

“Because I was moaning your name.”

Felix’s eyes widened in utter disbelief. It pained Sylvain to see him so surprised by this. Had it really been going on so long? Had he just heard so many girls come down the hall that he was starting to believe Sylvain actually cared about them more than Felix?

Clearly, that’s what his expression meant. It was followed by a sad look of guilt, from escalating too far, lashing at him too much. He only looked at Sylvain of a few moments to confirm the truth in his honey eyes before darting his gaze to the floor again.

“I’m...I’m sorry...for saying all that...for getting so angry...for cursing. That was wrong.”

“No, Fe. You have every right to be angry about the way I smooth talk women in total earshot of your bedroom. I was being an ignorant asshole, and I’m sorry.”

“I actually don’t have the right, seeing as I’m the one who broke things off in the first place. It’s not your fault you’re still attracted to women.”

“I’m not, Fe... I’m realizing more and more that I’ve only got eyes for you. And that’s why I’m here right now. I need us to make up.”

“Sylvain…”

Felix clenched his eyes closed in a silent struggle. Was he trying to hold back? Sylvain didn’t want him to.

“Yes, Fe?”

“You’d rather be with me? Even after everything I’ve done? Even after all I said to you? Even if it may not last forever?”

“Fe, I know why you said it. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I know you love me as much as I love you. We need to make it count, don’t you see?”

Felix opened his eyes and took some deep breaths, taking it all in. He still looked at the floor.

“I don’t know how I feel about all this… It’s...too much all at once...after spending so much time cursing you and crying over you… I need to think about all this. I need time.”

“I understand,” Sylvain replied in the softest voice he had used all evening. “We can talk more tomorrow?”

Felix looked up at Sylvain, in that sweet timidness that he used to use when they were children. It made Sylvain’s heart flutter every time, like he was going back to those days for a fleeting moment. But the moment came and passed.

“Syl...I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared I won’t be able to reflect on my feelings properly… I’m scared I’ll forget to tell you something important...before it’s too late.”

“Fe, we have time, don't worry.” he held his hands giving them a loving squeeze.

“I’m scared we won’t be able to work this out…I’m scared that we caused too much damage, that things won’t be the same…and now that the war is almost over...I’m scared it will still be so damaged when we have to go our separate ways…”

Sylvain smiled warmly at Felix. It was so unbelievably refreshing to finally see him talking calmly and methodically with him again. His heart was beginning to heal. He pulled Felix toward him by his arms and kissed him softly on the lips. Felix was alarmed at first but returned the kiss after hesitating, still afraid to accept his feelings as they were. He pulled away after a few moments and beamed at him lovingly.

“Fe, darling, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, hmm? I swear by the goddess, I will fight to find a way for us to stay together always. We will not be going separate ways without a fight.”

Felix looked deep into Sylvain’s eyes, tears pouring down his face, doing his best not to sniffle and ruin the sweet silence.

“Syl, I’m sorry… For everything.”

“I know, Fe. I’m sorry too.”

Sylvain gave Felix’s hands one last squeeze before letting him go and heading back down the hall to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They kind of made up? So that's something. But I know this pain deserves a much greater reward. Don't worry, I think it's looking like 8 chapters now.
> 
> Seriously, thank you so much for reading. I know my angst is probably really really dark for some. This story has been in my mind for a long time. I won't let you down with a happy ending<3
> 
> PS: I'm with the chick in the beginning regarding Felix and I think we all are. :)


	5. Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix had been foolish to think that hell was living alone in the mountains while Sylvain hugged his future wife and crest children. No, if Sylvain was alive somewhere, breathing, laughing, even if it was with someone else, it couldn’t be hell.
> 
> No, hell was far worse and it was closer now than Felix could have ever anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tracks that inspired this chapter: Darkest Night / The Riverlands / Nebula

The following morning was filled with stress and alarm. An army from the capital was charging towards the west side of Garreg Mach. It appeared from the banners to be a house that were less than ten miles away from the church bounds. Perhaps Edelgard had sent them to chip away at their forces and weaken them before they had time to make their next move.

It was meant to be a surprise attack but the scouts rushed into the Monastery gates to alert the Knights of Seiros. There was screaming and yelling and the sound of armored soldiers running through the streets to prepare for battle. It was barely dawn and the ruckus managed to wake everyone in the dormitories, including Byleth’s former pupils.

Felix had managed to get some more sleep but because of his conversation with Sylvain, he would have been able to sleep until the later hours of the morning. He was extremely tired. He shakily sat up in his bed and started to clean himself off the best he could and get dressed into his war clothes. He was pulling his thigh high boots over his leggings when he heard a frantic knock on the door.

“Felix?”

It was Byleth. The fear in her voice sent a chill down his spine.

“Yes, professor?”

“We need to formulate and head out in haste. Are you well enough to fight?”

“Yes, of course, what’s happening?”

“Edelgard has sent a very powerful army to attack us by surprise. We estimate that we could send out our forces and meet them on the west road at least eight miles from the city if we leave in the next few minutes.”

“How big is the enemy force?”

“It’s hard to say from our scouts’ point of view. Catherine thinks they will match us in number if we were able to bring all our battalions.”

That was a lot of men. They would never be able to prepare the needed numbers that quickly. They had already sent out groups of knights to escort the eastern merchants and they would not return until nightfall. They would definitely be short.

“Felix…? Are you sure you are well?”

“Professor, if we need that many men, does it really matter how well I am? I’m the best swordsman you’ve got!”

Byleth forced his door open. It was then that he realized he hadn’t bolt locked it closed the night before. She stomped over to his bedside, knelt down on one knee and put her hands firmly on his shoulders.

“Felix, if you die out there, I will never forgive myself. Don’t do that to me. Are. You. Well?”

Felix let out a long sigh, closing his eyes. He looked up at her and made a solemn face.

“I didn’t sleep...Last night I...talked to...Sylvain.”

This was the last thing his teacher needed to hear at a time like this but she wanted the truth and that’s what she was getting. Her eyes widened at his words and she clenched his shoulders tightly.

“How did it go? Did you ask him the questions?”

“He said he’d find a way...for us to stay together.”

Byleth smiled warmly at him and leaned in, kissing his forehead. It caught Felix by surprised. He was so shocked he couldn’t move.

“That’s the first step. I’m proud of you, Felix,” she replied as she rubbed her hands up and down his shoulders.

“It’s...a lot to take in after everything that’s happened.”

“I understand,” she said sweetly. “Does this mean you will fight by his side today?”

“I...I can’t...it’s still awkward,” he mumbled, hanging his head in shame.

Byleth let out a frustrated sigh and let go of his shoulders, standing up again and crossing her arms. 

“Felix, of all the battles we have had, this is the one I need you two paired up the most.”

“I’m telling you, professor! I’ll be distracted. And so will he. There’s still an unsettling air between us. We won’t fight our best by each other’s sides.”

“Unbelievable…” she muttered and walked out of the room. “Be outside as soon as you can! And eat something spicy to wake you up!”

Felix moved quickly, putting on and securing his cape over his shoulders and tying his hair tightly behind his head. When he stepped out into the hall, it was as if the goddess was screaming at his idiocy and forcing fate upon him because he crashed right into Sylvain.

“Ah-- Fe!” Sylvain was already suited up in his dark knight armor, and turned to face him, reaching out his hands and clutching each of his arms.

“Syl…” Felix’s mind was hazy, seeing the love of his life looking so formidable...so strong. His eyes twinkled when he gazed up at him. Perhaps the sleep had done him good. He didn’t think he’d be so happy to see him.

“Are you feeling okay to fight? Have you eaten? I’m on my way down to get a quick bowl of stew to drink down while I go saddle up my horse.”

“I...I’m tired...but I’ll be fine. The professor told me to eat something spicy.”

“Fe…”

“What is it?”

“Please be careful out there.” Sylvain’s eyes were full of dread and worry. He started rubbing his hands down Felix’s arms, almost to remind the swordsman that he was still holding him.

“The same to you,” he replied softly, echoing Sylvain’s expression. “It looks like a storm is coming.” He pointed out the window past Sylvain so the redhead would turn to look outside. “It will be very dangerous on your horse.”

Sylvain turned back to look at Felix. His eyes looked wet but he wasn’t about to cry. He reached up and held Felix’s cheeks in his hands.

“Syl, what are you doing?” 

“I need to kiss you before we go.”

Before Felix could protest, Sylvain leaned in and pressed his lips softly against his own. He held them there for a few moments and then pulled back, looking into Felix’s eyes for approval, before leaning in to kiss more passionately. He kissed him hungrily, desperately. Felix moaned into the redhead’s lips and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Sylvain slid his tongue in Felix’s mouth, beginning a dance with his own. He pulled back again, now pecking along Felix’s jawline and down his neck. Felix let out little mewls and rubbed his hips against him in excitement.

“Syl...Syl _vaaaain_ …”

“I love you,” the redhead whispered lustfully in his ear. “I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

“I love you…” Felix whispered back shakily as Sylvain peppered him with more loving kisses down his neck to his collarbone. “Please...be careful…”

Sylvain stood up and smiled warmly at him, rubbing his cheeks one last time before letting go. 

“I will, my kitten.”

He walked down the hall, leaving Felix leaned against his door, his legs still shaking from arousal. Tears that he had held back finally came free and ran down his cheeks.

Why had the goddess cursed him? This was an omen. Sylvain was going to die today.

\---------

The battlefield was rough and ragged. The ground rose and dipped in irregular patterns from all the damage inflicted from bolganone and thoron. Patches of mud where the grass had been uprooted by impacts scattered the wasteland where so many unfortunate men would spend their last minutes on this earth. Rocks lay everywhere across the ground. And above all, the goddess was sobbing that day.

She sobbed bitter tears that poured down and painted the ground with countless puddles, moistening the land and creating perilous patches of mud where soldiers lost their footing, became stuck and got stabbed in the back. She sobbed tears that put out Annette and Sylvain’s fire spells, making them resort to using wind and lightning instead. Lightning magic was dangerous during a storm, and no one could tell if the bolts wouldn’t bounce off the goddess’s tears and charge right back at them, cursing them for fighting members of their own race to the death over vengeance and politics.

Felix knew not to use Thoron on this day. He knew arrows were more effective instead. They were hard to spot through the rain as they soared through the air at their targets. Most of the targets couldn’t see them until they had made an impact with their flesh.

It was with this notion that Felix would constantly dart his eyes towards the area that Sylvain was expected to be, on the west-most side of the plain. Arrows were difficult to avoid when on a mount, especially if their mount was the target.

He would glance up between kills, after slitting soldier’s throats left and right, putting them out of their misery and tossing them into the mud. He would check every moment he had to avert his focus, to make sure his precious was not shot down off his steed. To make sure that their kiss at dawn was not an omen.

Why did he check? Sylvain was strong. And he was fighting beside Mercedes at the moment. If anything happened to him, she’d be right by his side patching him up.

He couldn’t help it. 

He didn’t know why.

The enemy was strong. They were coming at them from all directions. Annette would scream at him to duck as she shot a powerful gust of wind at a Pegasus rider just before their lance could shatter through Felix’s skull. He would watch her back too, and pull her into his arms when an assassin charged with deadly daggers, swinging his sword at them with all his might. Blood made Felix sick. He hated when it splattered on his face, on his armor. He was grateful he didn’t have light hair like Annette as it would also stain there as well. 

A scream in the east that belonged to Dorothea caused his mind to race. She had been slashed in the thigh by an enemy rider, and he was turning around to charge back at her to finish her off. Before Felix could rush in to defend her, he saw a meteor fall from the sky, engulfing the soldier and his horse. He heard their screams as they melted away and lava pooled on the dirt and instantly hardened from the rain.

It was Mercedes of course. She was charging in at full speed on her thin dainty legs. 

“Dorothea! I’m coming!”

She ran past Felix and Annette and the moment of relief was brief as they were bombarded with more foes once again.

The rain was falling harder now and the wind was picking up. The droplets fell nearly sideways, blowing Felix’s hair into his face, leaving him blind and vulnerable for precious seconds as he frantically brushed it free. Annette would warn him as arrows came charging at them from an enemy battalion, and he would raise his savant armor, and shelter both of them as the arrows fell, while Annette would counter with her wind magic.

Then a wave of terror came over Felix as he spun around to slash at another soldier and spotted Dorothea running at a great knight, swinging her arms and attacking with gusts of gale. Mercedes had already healed her, and she was nowhere to be found.

Who was fighting beside Sylvain?

And that’s when he heard a familiar voice yelp out in pained shock and Felix’s entire body went cold. He turned his head to see Sylvain on his steed, facing him, as he coughed up a mouthful of blood, a fresh arrow lodged in his shoulder blade from behind. He reached out his hand forward, to Felix. He was looking right at Felix, like he was the only thing that mattered at that moment. His lips moved in the shape of Felix’s name.

Then he fell off his horse, face first into the thick mud. 

It felt like a silent slow motion. Like nothing else was going on but this. Felix’s ears rang. He didn’t hear the shouting of the soldiers, the clanging of swords, lances and axes against each other, against armor. Not the blasts of bolganone and thoron shattering the earth, sending rocks and gravel in all directions. He only heard the cry of Sylvain’s steed as she charged towards Felix, the only direction she knew to get away from the battlefield. He sidestepped out of the way as she rode past, leaving her rider for dead. She deserved to. Sylvain had put her through enough hell.

Felix was instantly knelt by Sylvain’s side, reaching for his shoulders to pull him out of the mud, and turned him sideways so that if he had blood in his throat, he could cough and not choke to death. There was so much blood. Sylvain coughed and gagged and gasped for air, his eyes already shaky, delirious. He groaned and reached for the arrow in his shoulder. But Felix had already gotten to work. He had torn off his cape and ripped it frantically down the middle, extending it as far as he could and was wrapping it tightly over the wound, bandaging and securing it under his armpit, pulling it as tightly as he possibly could, even as Sylvain cried out in pain from the pressure against the arrow still lodged in his body. _I must stop the bleeding,_ was all he kept thinking. _I must. I must stop the bleeding._

Sylvain lazily shifted his eyes in Felix’s direction. He was so weak already that it was a strain just to focus on him. When Felix had secured the bandage, he moved Sylvain so that he was propped up against him and could rest his head against Felix’s stomach.

“Fe…” he whispered weakly.

“Shut up! Just shut up! Don’t talk!” Felix’s words were harsh but his tone was frantic, terrified.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” he continued, ignoring Felix’s orders.

“I said shut up, Sylvain!” he yelled back, his voice cracking to a higher pitch this time.

“I didn’t...mean to hurt you…” Sylvain continued on, his voice growing shaky. His lips were quivering. “I never...meant to ruin this…I wanted time to fix this...I just...wanted you…to be happy...”

Felix gave up trying to get through to him.

 ** _“Mercedes!”_** he screamed at the top of his lungs. **_“Mercedes, help me!”_** He looked frantically back and forth, searching desperately for a sign, for her chocolate brown dress, her matching veil. He couldn’t see her anywhere in all the commotion, in all the clouds of smoke, through the shadows and figures of countless battalion. She was nowhere, and this was the moment he needed her the most.

Why the fuck didn’t he study more faith?

All those hours wasted focusing on his sword arm. He had perfected it months ago but still went to the training grounds to practice as if there was more he could teach himself. All those hours wasted reading about battle tactics, when Byleth only gave him their most basic battalion to work alongside, because she trusted his combat skills far more. All those hours he wasted perfecting his thoron and his fire spells, when Annette could take out an entire battalion with her might and range. All those hours wasted practicing his aim with the bow. Ashe was the best and only sniper and he could handle anything.

Felix could have spent all those hours instead learning healing spells. So that he would be able to save Sylvain’s life in case no one was around to help. And he had failed him.

 ** _“Mercedes!”_** he continued to scream. His throat was getting so sore and dry. His voice wasn’t as loud as it was when he had begun. She’d never be able to hear him now, wherever she was.

 ** _“Mercedes! Heeeeeeelp!”_** he cried one last time before he felt the tears of defeat overwhelm him. He began to sob, holding onto Sylvain checking the wound to make sure he was still applying pressure. It didn’t seem to matter. His cape was already soaked a deep red with Sylvain’s blood, and it was trailing onto his own gloves, staining them red as well.

“Fe...I’m sorry…” the redhead spoke again. His voice was so quiet, his lips barely moving, Felix could hardly hear him. He decided to try a new tactic.

“Sylvain, stay awake!” he yelled down at his friend. His lover. “Stay awake! Don’t take your eyes off me!”

The redhead obeyed, to a degree. The loss of blood was making his eyelids heavy, and he kept fluttering them open. He really was trying hard for Felix, but he was running out of time.

“I wish..I was a girl…” he whispered.

The words seemed insane, like Sylvain had lost so much blood he was finally going crazy, the crazy you go when you’re just about to die. Felix let out a miserable wail, clutching Sylvain’s shoulder and rocking him back and forth as he continued to sob.

“So we… could get married...in the cath...edral…” Sylvain finished, his eyes barely open, just slits in Felix’s direction.

“We can still get married!” Felix croaked, his voice nearly leaving him. “We can elope! We can run away! We can run away, Sylvain! You don’t have to be the Margrave! I don’t have to be the Duke! We can leave it behind! If they chase us, we’ll run! We’ll run as far as we have to!”

“I’m....sorry…” he responded, ignoring Felix’s desperate suggestions, as if it was forever too late to be planning their future together. “I’m sorry...I couldn’t…keep our promise.”

“Felix! Sylvain!” the voice of an angel cried, growing louder and Felix looked up to see a very tired and frantic Mercedes, covered head to toe in mud and blood from other soldiers rushing up to them. He only glanced at her for a split second and then his eyes were back on Sylvain’s. The redhead’s eyes were struggling so hard not to close. His breathing growing shallower by the second.

 ** _“Mercedes, he’s dying!”_** Felix rasped, focusing on Sylvain’s eyelids. Mercedes was already casting her best healing spell, aiming at Sylvain’s punctured shoulder blade, frowning in desperation.

“He’s lost too much blood,” she said, shakily. “I can close the wound but he may not make it.”

“Mercedes, please do whatever you can!” Felix cried, clutching Sylvain’s shoulder, praying to the goddess that his body would stay warm.

They were so caught up in the perils of Sylvain that they didn’t even realize the enemy had retreated.

Most of the party was rushing to gather around the three. Byleth was commanding everyone to stand back and give them space. Dimitri was yelling for the Seiros Priests to bring their best stretcher, bandages, potions, fuck, anything to keep Sylvain alive.

It took Dedue, Dimitri and Byleth to tug Felix away from him, because he couldn't let go. He couldn’t leave his lover if these were his final moments. He screamed and swore and kicked at his friends with all his might. 

**_“Get the fuck off me! Fuck all of you! Don’t do this! He needs me! He needs me!”_ **

And Byleth was suddenly in his face, holding him by his cheeks, yelling at him to get a grip, to get a hold of himself. Sylvain needed Mercedes right now, and he was making it worse by causing such a commotion when she needed to concentrate.

So Felix just stood there, motionless as everyone moved about the battlefield ruins in haste, picking up other wounded soldiers, raiding weapons from corpses, packing their supplies to head back to camp as quickly as possible. Sylvain needed a blood transfusion and Manuela was the most skilled to carry out the procedure. She would be there and waiting.

That is if Sylvain wasn’t dead by the time they got there.

Felix had been foolish to think that hell was living alone in the mountains while Sylvain hugged his future wife and crest children. No, if Sylvain was alive somewhere, breathing, laughing, even if it was with someone else, it couldn’t be hell.

No, hell was far worse and it was closer now than Felix could have ever anticipated.

Hell was to lose Sylvain before they had even won the war. Before they had ever entered Enbarr, before they even faced the woman who caused them to fight these atrocious battles in the first place.

Hell was to bury him in the Garreg Mach cemetery, miles away from his home, forgotten 6 feet under, his flawless crimson hair decomposing day after day, his eyelids that Felix once kissed caving in and becoming homes for maggots and worms, his bones being the last thing that would remain in a year’s time, when Felix’s hair would be an inch longer. 

Hell was standing in the throne room of Fhirdiad, accepting his badge of honour from his king, his new title as Duke Felix Fraldarius, and the people congratulating only those left in their forces alive. 

Hell was the absence of songs to be sung about Sylvain by the people of the peaceful future. No one bothered to remember those that had died in the battles earlier in the war, unless it was a Lord, like his father. No one would dare bother remembering a womanizer, a heart-breaker and smooth-talker. His friends would all remember him but it wasn’t enough for Felix. The way that Sylvain had effortlessly become his sunlight and happiness, his best friend and lover, having such a profound effect on him, enveloping his mind with a comforting warmth, a fiery passionate grip, made Felix believe he deserved countless series of songs even if most of them had to be kept to himself. 

Even if most of them were filled with verses of their precious nights together. How his strong hands moved so delicately over his porcelain skin, over all his battle scars and birthmarks like he was examining fine china. How his lips feathered each new scar and kissed them as if it would help them heal. How he knew just where to touch Felix, where to squeeze him and massage him when his muscles were sore from training or from overexerting himself in a mission. How he knew that simply touching or massaging him just for just because was something Felix didn’t realize he craved. How his fingers poised in just the right spot, just the right angle, stroking back and forth deep inside him made him see stars and forget what day it was. How his loving eyes watched him every second and how his beautiful lips moved with countless praises, showering Felix with love that he had never received before from anyone else. The way Sylvain made his heart feel, how he made his body feel was something he could have never imagined in his wildest dreams. He couldn’t decide whether it was a blessing or a curse to have these memories. If Sylvain died and he was alone for the remainder of his life, would the memories of Sylvain’s loving touch and voice keep him company or drive him to lunacy?

Hell was definitely a world without Sylvain. His life would be nothing with him gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut's there to ease the pain :(

**Author's Note:**

> Age of Wonders by BrunuhVille has been my primary inspiration while writing this. Please give it a listen. It's a beautiful album.
> 
> Please please PLEASE leave a comment and let me know what you think 💖
> 
> If you want to gush to me about Sylvix, please add me on twitter @jusbene. I don't just write Sylvix smut, I also DRAW Sylvix smut. ;)


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